“I was not a Muslim at birth. Islam didn’t coerce, cajole, brainwash or
blackmail me into its perfect embrace. And while 99 percent of Bangladeshis
live according to the Quranic scriptures, the choice to accept Allah as my
savior was completely independent of outside influence. Of influence
altogether. Because there was no choice. It was destiny that I imbibed,
destiny that imbued in me the holy spirit of Allah. And had I been born to
Christian parents in America, to Jews in Israel, to a pack of wolves in the
Arctic or to malevolent scientists via test tubes, the difference is really
immaterial, for Allah the Beneficent would have found me inevitably still.
“But, my fellow Muslim brethren, such is the past and it is now time to look
forward. ‘Islam,’ ‘peace’ and ‘love’ are one and the same word. We must
teach those soaked in the poison of ignorance this truth in a friendly way,
and if they fail to listen, we shall kill them.
“Now, will somebody please change my diaper? I’ve been wearing this thing
for a month now. It smells like s*** in here.”
—4:46 p.m. update: Praise Allah! After a six-plus-hour chase, fugitive
and enemy of the State Lisa Shak has been captured by covert ops, all
of whom wish to remain anonymous.
“Once we got tipped off about her tennis racket and flamingo pegs,
going about finding her was a piece of cake,” said *******
***********. ******** **** ******, ********* ***********,
***** ******* *************, and ****** ******** were all in
agreement.
The events leading up to Shak’s capture:
Shak sneaks into a Bangladesh National Zoo, supported by her
flamingo and tennis racket pegs
Shak hobbles to the flamingo exhibit
Shak breaks open the flamingo cage
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