"Praise Allah!" Khan exalted over the uproar, "He that guided and stayed
with me throughout my isolation!"
—10:38 a.m. update: Police have obtained new and pertinent
information on the fugitive.
Name: Lisa Shak
Sex: Female
Age: 36
Hometown: Dhaka
Religion: Islam
Muslim fervor (1-10): -88
Last seen: 11:36 a.m. at Savar Train Station, cartwheeling off a
three-story building onto a speeding train to elude pursuing
authorities
Past transgressions (limited to the five most major ones): Being
born with a vagina (1977-present); bringing pork cutlet to show
and tell (1983); burning Salman Rushdie's "The Satanic Verses"
with minimal ardor (1988); recalling only one of Allah's 99 names
(2006); typing "Prophet Muhammad" in Google images (2011)
Reward for capture (dead or alive): 1. 10,000,000 BDT; 2. access
to the rights of Shak's immediate family, who shall incur a lifelong
sentence of marriage and/or slavery; 3. dibs on Shak's working
ligaments and organs
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