—10:08 a.m. update: Bangladeshi officials have issued a formal
statement declaring this woman, whose identity has yet to be
disclosed, an "enemy of the State" and a "fugitive at large." They
urge the nation to exercise "supreme caution," as this woman
"probably thinks" and is "most likely armed." Incidentally, she has
no legs.
Police are working round the clock to find said fugitive, whose
criminal charges include a) knowing the time, and b) muttering to
self with the intent to remain unheard by surrounding male
company.
In the rest of Bangladesh, which reports a 99 percent Muslim population,
most people expressed a mixture of shock and elation at Khan's decision to
adopt the Islamic faith as his own.
"Upon ascertaining such a glorious dispatch, I admit to being superlatively
gobsmacked," said Ahmed Ahmed, the keynote speaker at Dhaka’s 2013
Thesaurus convention.
There was plenty of talk swirling around that Khan was going to choose a
different religion. The infant addressed such rumors in his speech Tuesday
morning, particularly his purported desire to join the Mormon church.
"Yes, the rumors were true, unfortunately. I had narrowed it down to Islam
and Mormonism. With the latter, it was the prospect of getting my own
planet to rule over in the afterlife that was so appealing. And yet, I stand
before you today a proud and unabashed Muslim. Do you know why?
“I love me some virgins.”
At this point, there was no controlling the smattering of cheers ringing
through the capital.
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