FALL 2021 FALL 2021
Knowing When to Ask for Help
BY BRILLIANT MILLER
A few years back , I participated in an extreme endurance sporting event called Tough Mudder in Utah ’ s West Desert on a cold and rainy October day .
After swimming through ice water , crawling through 30 yards of mud with electrified wires , and overcoming other difficult obstacles , I approached the Everest Wall , a slick quarter pipe 15 feet tall . It was one of the last obstacles , and for how daunting it was , it might as well have been the real Mount Everest .
To scale it , participants got a running start , getting as high as possible before launching to grab the lip of the wall or the muddy hand of another participant who was waiting to help them up .
By the time I reached it , I was spent . The soles of my shoes were muddy , so I felt sure I would slip the moment I stepped on the wall ’ s slick surface . I could see myself sprinting toward the wall , launching , slipping , and knocking out my two front teeth .
I shook that image , readied myself , and ran for it . I managed to avoid knocking my teeth out , but my fear prevented me from really going for it . Holding myself back , I was close , but it wasn ’ t enough . Each successive attempt consumed a bit more energy , and I leapt a little lower each time .
Steeling myself , I gave it another go . This time , I got high enough to grab someone ’ s hand . Or , more accurately , someone grabbed mine .
I didn ’ t have enough strength to pull myself up , but I did manage to swing one leg up . Somebody grabbed that leg , leaving me dangling awkwardly . Someone else reached down and grabbed my shorts . I reached the top through a combination of clambering and surrendering .
I sat on the top of that wall , humbled . I was embarrassed to have needed so much help to get there , and I was grateful to those who had helped me .
Reflecting on that experience now , I think of something my friend and mentor Marshall Goldsmith told me after he turned 70 . He said that one of his life ’ s biggest lessons is that we all need help sometimes , and it ’ s okay to ask for it .
Arkan Lushwala , another of my friends and teachers , shared with me a formula used by indigenous people for generations : Ask for help , receive the help , share the blessings you receive as a result of that help , offer thanks for the help . Gratitude starts the cycle over again .
It doesn ’ t matter how intelligent , educated , strong , skilled , talented , or connected we are , at some point we reach the limits of what we can do on our own . In those moments , when we ’ ve done our best and discovered it ’ s not enough , it ’ s okay to ask for help . Other times we get lost and need a bit of direction . And occasionally we even find ourselves wishing we could start over entirely .
I believe that everyone can benefit from having a mentor or coach , and that coaching is as valuable to someone who lives in poverty in a developing country as it is for a CEO of a Fortune 500 company . It can benefit a stay-at-home dad just as much as the president of a nation or a startup entrepreneur .
An effective mentor doesn ’ t tell you the answers — she helps you find your own answers . She honors your innate wisdom . Mentorship provides a space and a process for that wisdom to reach your awareness and then to find expression — for you to act on it .
Effective mentors are trusted advisers who help you set goals , be accountable , navigate complex situations , and encourage you as you release patterns of thought and ways of being that no longer serve you .
They help you to arrive at insights that you then integrate into your everyday life — and to find new ways of living that contribute to your health and happiness and the contribution you make to others . So , the next time you ’ re feeling stuck or lost , see if your mentor can help you find your way forward .
We won ’ t win every race , and we won ’ t conquer every challenge . But I do think we can overcome every one that truly matters if we ’ re wise enough to ask for help when we need it — and humble enough to receive it .
Visit lhmvoices . com to learn more about the importance of mental and emotional wellbeing as well as additional mental health resources .
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