WRITERS ABROAD MAGAZINE: THE THIRD SPACE
A SHAGGY COW STORY
BY LESLEY TRUCHET
Tom Russell, a retired
geography teacher, had
been living in the French
countryside for two years.
Shortly after moving into
his new home he bought a
cow and called her
Marguerite, figuring her
grazing would render
redundant the dreaded
drudge of constantly cutting
the grass. The problem was
that there was simply too
much grass for one cow. He
was now faced with the
substantial cost of buying a tractor-style lawn mower. He thought very hard
and suddenly hit upon a great idea. He would mate Marguerite! In due course
he would have two cows grazing and would therefore save the price of a
lawnmower, not to mention a lot of hard work. He could even make some
money selling milk! The whole idea appealed to his Yorkshire thriftiness. Having
often seen a bull in the bottom field opposite the end of his lane, he went to see
the farmer who owned it and explained his problem in pidgin French.
‘Aye, I could let you mate your cow with my bull here, no problem,’ said Farmer
Jacques.
‘How much would it cost?’ asked Tom, dreading the answer.
‘Well, I don’t think any payment is necessary, but you will have to bring her
here.’
Relieved he could keep his cash, Tom addressed a problem. ‘Oh dear, I only
have a motor bike. How will I do that?’
Farmer Jacques laughed to himself. Clearly this ‘Rosbif’ knew nothing about
cows. He was about to explain to Tom he could simply attach a rope to his cow
and lead it, when the devil in his nature intervened. ‘Do you have a wheelbarrow?’
‘Yes,’ said Tom.
‘Then bring her in the wheelbarrow, she can share the field with my bull and
you could collect her in a couple of weeks.’
‘Erm,’ Tom said. ‘I would prefer to pick her up every night and bring her back
each morning. You see, since my wife died I like Marguerite’s company at night.’
Farmer Jacques gave Tom a hard look; he’d heard some sordid tales
concerning British men and sheep. He shrugged, it wasn’t his business. They
shook hands and agreed the deal.
The next morning Farmer Jacques choked on his croissant when he saw Tom
skidding and sliding down the slope to his farm, clinging hard to the wheelbarrow
containing Marguerite. He went out to greet Tom with tears of laughter still in his
eyes.
34 | MAY 2017