Leader . Such a strong , noble thing to want to strive to be , right ? I have to admit , however , that a “ leader ” isn ’ t something I was necessarily daydreaming about becoming as a little girl . Rockstar ? Sure ! But I never truly viewed myself as a leader because I always felt like I was the one being led . Insecurity is something I ’ ve struggled with as long as I can remember . How just like God , though , to call me into a ministry where you must have thick skin , confidence , and authenticity . Not only that , but a world that is predominantly male .
I grew up writing and singing songs about God , my need for Him , His love for me . I knew from a very early age that I wanted to sing and write songs forever about Jesus ! My Mom helped foster this gift by seeking out producers and writers for me to start partnering with . The majority of industry connections , writers , producers , and musicians I was working with were male . I never thought twice about that . All who invested in me were humble , kind , hard-working , genuinely good people . It wasn ’ t until I started leading musicians , I really felt aware I was often the only female in the room . Navigating this part was difficult . You can imagine , as an insecure 14-year-old girl directing a group of four to five men , all older than me , required a confidence I didn ’ t always have . As a solo artist I hired musicians I had never met so the dynamic of ( 1 .) having a different group of players , a lot of the time , ( 2 .) being younger than all of them , and ( 3 .) being the only girl , definitely forced me to grow areas of insecurity . I had to .
balance . I would find if I wasn ’ t confident in my vision , I wouldn ’ t have the respect of my band . When I would be too aggressive in my direction , though , I came across as … we ’ ll just say bossy , which wasn ’ t good for camaraderie or unity . Many times , I chose “ good vibes ” over my vision and other times I would be too harsh in my approach , and we ’ d all be frustrated . Thankfully , God is patient and the best teacher , right ? It ’ s cool to look back and see how He was preparing me for future ministry .
When I graduated high school , I moved from Chattanooga to Nashville and went to Belmont University for a year , dropped out like a typical musician , to tour and pursue this solo artist thing . I was gaining momentum , but things were not happening in my time or in my way . Remember that thorn of insecurity I talked about ? Well , that really warped the way I viewed things . Feedback like “ keep going , keep working , this takes time , you ’ ll keep finding your voice ” felt like “ you ’ re not good enough , you don ’ t belong here , rejection , rejection , rejection .”
It was around this time I was asked to lead worship . I had never really led worship before . I was playing a show for a youth group and after we finished our set the youth pastor rushed into our green room and quickly asked , “ Hey , can you all lead ‘ How He Loves ’ at the end of my message ?” The band and I looked at each other and said “ sure …,” even though we didn ’ t know the song and this whole thing was unfamiliar . We learned it backstage and got back up to play and something shifted in me that night . I saw and tangibly felt the difference between performance and the Presence of the living God . I saw students connecting to Jesus through music . No eyes on me , all eyes on Him . I could see and feel real change happening and I knew that was not because of how well I was “ performing ” the song , but the Holy Spirit was moving through the music , changing people ’ s hearts . From that point on , I had a burning passion to lead people to be aware of God ’ s presence through music .
At the age of 19 , I took a job leading worship for student ministry at a church in Chattanooga . I still felt hurt and disappointed by the rejection I felt from the music industry so I made a vow to myself and to God , I would not promote
Being in this world at an early age , I always wanted to be “ one of the guys ”, and honestly , I always wanted to be in a band instead of being a solo artist . I didn ’ t have siblings growing up , and I would always think , “ Man , I want to be part of a team , who all want the same thing and we ’ ll just be best friends , laugh all the time , and we ’ ll just be one big happy family !” Cue the “ aww that ’ s cute ” chuckle from all of us who have been in bands . As I began hiring musicians , I felt the tension of being professional and wanting to be friends . There had to be a