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''Deep in my heart, I felt like I had committed the only unforgivable sin and I still carried my dark secret''
Twelve years of tumultuous marriage ended in divorced leaving me to deal with the issues of my past. I was now a single mom of 2 girls and had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. During the search to find myself and attempt to heal from my abusive marriage, I lost almost a whole person in weight and restored my relationship with God finding peace in a lot of ways, yet there was still something missing. I realized that I still cringed at the "A" word any time I heard it on television or the radio. Deep in my heart, I felt like I had committed the only unforgivable sin and I still carried my dark secret. In a lot of ways, my life began to flourish. I was changing and growing into a glimpse of who God had created me to be.
I led women’s Bible studies at church and served as the coordinator for our single moms group, but had resigned to the fact that I would go to my grave with the secret of my abortion, even if it meant that my relationship with God would never be as close as I truly desired. I was willing to sacrifice living in the fullness of Christ and the intimacy I could have with Him in exchange for keeping my secret hidden. I already felt that any time 'that word' was mentioned everyone in the room knew what I had done….all eyes were on me. The thought of anyone knowing what I had done simply terrified me to the core. After all, in so many ways I was still that little girl looking for acceptance. Looking to fill that void which was now a gaping hole oozing with death and lies from satan. So, the last thing I could dream of doing was telling people fearing it would turn them away from me, they would judge me and not certainly not accept me.
I was able to look at her and see the true value and sanctity of every life that God creates
As mentioned earlier, even until this point I continued to struggle with bonding issues between my oldest daughter and I. But, after God healed my heart and I accepted His forgiveness and knew my sin of abortion was washed in His blood, I was able to stop looking at my daughter as a reminder of what I had done, but a true miracle and blessing who lights up this world with her presence. I was able to look at her and see the true value and sanctity of every life that God creates and know God has great purposes for that little woman. The first time I held her in my arms and cried tears of true joy and felt a mother’s love that should have been present from the day she was born, was a day I will cherish forever. It was as if that dingy switch that flipped all of those years ago, was flipped back on in an instant and God’s light illuminated the dark places.
by Misty Black
WOMEN'S FRONTLINE MAGAZINE
www.womensfrontlinemagazine.org
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