from s hame to victory
The next year, I married that man who was already emotionally abusive and the abuse continued to escalate. The alcohol, the drugs, the neglect….it was a normal part of our life (for him) and of course I thought I just had to be a better wife…I could make things better if I tried hard enough. The year after we married, my oldest daughter suffered the physical and almost fatal affects from my abortion when she was born premature at 23 weeks weighing 1lb 2oz and given less than a 10% change of surviving. Her premature birth was the result of my incompetent cervix caused from my abortion. Nobody knew my secret; I lied on the medical forms, to the doctors and to my friends/family...nobody knew what I had done.
Because of the shame and guilt, the condemnation I felt I didn’t tell the doctors that could have possibly caught this issue early enough to prevent her premature birth. I could have lost yet another child because of the cycle of death, the lies of the enemy. My daughter suffered the consequences of my actions....I lay in the hospital bed, while she lay in the neonatal intensive care unit crying and asking God why?? My thoughts were, I could understand why He was punishing me, but why her she didn't deserve it. Another child that I longed to touch but couldn’t. She was too fragile for us to hold her for days and I watched her tiny body go through multiple surgeries, fighting for her life….something I had not done for her brother. I prayed she would live, even if it meant having physical disabilities.
They told us she would most likely have very little sight, possibly hearing. She may develop cerebral palsy or may never walk or talk. It was all too early to tell the outcome and in 1998, statistics didn’t exist for babies as early as she was. I spent every day of the 114 days in the hospital with her, until she came home a week before her due date still only a little over 5 lbs. Yet, even after she was home and after all she had been through, I had bonding issues that I simply did not understand. In my unhealthy, warped mind I saw her as a reminder of my punishment...more guilt, shame and condemnation…would the cycle ever end!?
She may develop cerebral
palsy or may never walk or talk.
Two years later, I was on complete bed rest with her sister after having a cervical cerclage placed at 13 wks to help prevent another premature birth. During this pregnancy it was suggested that I not have any more children, as my cervix probably would not hold up for it. My second daughter was born at term and healthy after being bed ridden for 26 weeks. I noticed right away that I bonded with her differently than my first. Again more guilt, more questions, more not understanding how I could be such a horrible mother. The tears, crying myself to sleep...they continued and I felt I could never be redeemed. Not knowing at the time all of these were affects from my decision to abort my son, a selfish decision based on ignorance and fear that I thought was the answer at the time.
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