SINGLE PARENTING
— by Diane C. Dierks, LMFT
Keeping the Balance:
Five Principles to Live By
U
nlike married parents,
whose personal agendas are
dependent upon each other,
single parents have a constant dilemma in
trying to balance their own needs versus
their children’s. Married parents, pre-
sumably by nature of the marital contract,
have committed to one love relationship,
working together to pay the bills and
keep the household running, and sharing
the child-rearing duties. They have the
ability or freedom to lean on the other
partner when life changes — like new ba-
bies, new jobs, or going back to school —
and is dominating one parent’s time. The
difficult balancing act for single parents
often proves to be overwhelming and
can be the root of anxiety and depression
among this population.
Unfortunately, very few organiza-
tions and groups exist to help single par-
ents work through the difficult job of bal-
ancing. Most social programs are geared
toward helping people who have entered
“the system” through substance abuse,
domestic violence, or legal problems.
The ones who fall through the cracks are
the parents who are trying to do it all well,
but feel they are failing in every arena —
68 WNY Family March 2020
even though the rest of us may respect the
fact that they are doing the best they can.
You don’t have to fall through the
cracks, though, if you take some proac-
tive steps to avoid balance trouble. Here
are a few principles you can live by to
keep the scales from tipping over when
you feel overwhelmed:
1) Listen to your heart, not your
neighbor. It is so easy for everyone else
to judge what a single parent should or
should not be doing, but the bottom line
is, each situation is unique. A man sim-
ply cannot understand how it feels to be a
single mother, just like a Caucasian per-
son cannot truly appreciate the prejudice
felt by the black community.
So, be very selective about who you take
advice from and judge yourself based on
your personal values, not on social stig-
mas.
2) Don’t fail at short-term goals
to achieve long-term dreams. When
making a decision, single parents always
have to consider whether or not feeding
themselves will take away food from
their children, so to speak. For instance,
a parent may feel she needs to return to
school in order get a better job to pay for
her child’s college education. She has
to decide whether or not working dur-
ing the day and going to school at night
to improve herself (long-term goal) will
detract from the caring and nurturing her
children need in the present (short-term
goal). This decision will be most likely
based on her children’s ages and the
amount of time it will take for the goal
to be realized.
If the stress of working and going
to school makes her a grouchy parent
around the kids when she is with them,
she may not only fail at the short-term
goal, but could curb her self-esteem to
the point that even the long-term goal
goes unrealized.
If the children are young and only a
couple of years are needed, she may be
able to aggressively pursue her long-term
goal without much consequence to the
children’s present welfare. But if the chil-
dren are teens and she needs four years,
she could lose out valuable time with the
kids — which might have them engaging
in behaviors that are not likely to be con-
ducive to getting into college themselves!
A single mother who has lost her
husband to death will not be able to truly
appreciate another single mother who has
lost her mate to an affair. Nor, can a mar-
ried father understand how difficult it can
be for a single dad to be ordered by the
court to see his child only on certain days
of the week. 3) Eliminate takers and add giv-
ers. When we are distressed and some-
times desperate, many things can look
good and sound good, but end up keeping
us in a place of desperation. Believe it or
not, being desperate for help with the kids
or financial relief can actually drive us
toward people who are abusive mooch-
ers! Even credit card and loan companies
have learned the psychology of despera-
tion. Just about the time you have maxed
out your cards, they swoop in and want to
give your line of credit a boost!
Judgments will come from all types
of people and directions, but no one can
understand your experience like you do. Beware of sheep in wolves’ clothing.
If it sounds and feels too good to be true,
it probably is. Don’t make a major life