lasts “at least seven seconds” according to Marc. (Stephanie esti-
mated their hugs last a minimum of ten seconds).
4| Engaging Your Senses
If you’re not in the mood to be touched, or if physical af-
fection just isn’t your love language, Skyler reminds us, the five
senses include not just touch, but also sight, hearing, smell, and
taste. She says sharing a sensual experience is an excellent way
to connect. This could be listening to music together, enjoying a
meal together, or looking at something beautiful. When a couple
sits outside to watch the sunset together, all kinds of good things
happen, says Rhonda Milrad, LCSW. “Stress decreases, the para-
sympathetic nervous system kicks in, neurotransmitters are re-
leased, and your mood becomes calmer. Consequently, you both
are more open to connection and communication.”
It doesn’t take much to create a sensual experience in your
home. Relationship expert Lucinda Loveland encourages couples
to use dim lighting, candles, and music. According to Loveland,
“This is a great way to create a warm and romantic environment
without doing anything physical.” Many couples I talked to en-
joy sharing a meal after their kids are in bed. Amy Bailey, a mom
of three, says she and her husband of 16 years look forward to
their “date nights in.” Whether dinner is a meat and cheese plate
or a steak dinner, they savor the food and each other’s company.
5) Sharing A Hobby
As parents stretched in many different directions and with a
“scarcity of resources,” as my husband is fond of saying, it’s easy
to forget what attracted you and your partner to each other in the
first place. Doing a hobby together can be an excellent reminder.
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Especially when time together as a couple is at a premium,
“sharing something novel helps keep your relationship from get-
ting stagnant,” says Jill Whitney, LMFT. Julie Burton can attest
to this. With two daughters, now ages 11 and 8, Julie felt that she
and her husband Scott were moving in separate directions; until
they started fishing together. Living in Kansas, it’s never inex-
pensive or convenient, but “it’s always like falling in love again.”
A hobby doesn’t have to be novel or exotic to create intimacy,
though. Jacob Brier and his wife have a young son and a shared
passion for fitness. For the Briers, working out together equals
“heart rate up, sweaty, out of breath... clothes on. Plus, you’re help-
ing to stay healthy together.” Natalie and Matt Rotelli have a night-
ly ritual of doing the Sunday New York Times crossword together.
“He knows all things mythological, vocab, history (US and world),
locations, and cute little plays on words… I generally figure out
the algorithm for the long answers associated with the theme of
the crossword and all things pop culture.” Natalie says their mutual
admiration for each other’s skills is a source of connection.
Intimacy encompasses so much more than sex. It’s about
connection — whether it’s a game of tennis, a conversation, or
a hug. It’s natural for kids to put a damper on your sex life, at
least for a period of time. And while you can expect your kids to
ruin certain things, (e.g., your sleep), your connection with your
partner doesn’t have to be one of them.
This article was originally published on Motherly. Pam Moore helps
women push through fear to become their best selves. To get her free
guide to crushing Impostor Syndrome visit pam-moore.com.
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