r
Worn Ou
e
n
i
t
t by
n
e
l
Va
— by Pam Moore
5 Ways to Create Intimacy
Without Taking Your Clothes Off!
B
y the time your kids are
asleep, your mood is ex-
hausted, not erotic. In theory,
you want to connect with your partner. In
reality, you’re too tired to make the ef-
fort. Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
It is totally normal for your sex life
to take a dive when you have kids, says
Dr. Jenni Skyler, certified sex therapist
and director of The Intimacy Institute.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t — or
shouldn’t — seek intimacy in other ways.
According to Skyler, the definition of
intimacy is quality connection and it is
essential to a healthy relationship. And
while it’s the rare marriage that thrives
without sex, she says there are many
ways to be intimate without it.
Opportunities for intimacy might be
less scarce than they seem — if you know
where to look.
1) Talking
Experts and couples agree uninter-
rupted conversation is an excellent way
to create intimacy. While the first step is
finding a sitter, putting the kids to bed, or
scheduling a lunch date while the kids are
at school, the second step is just as impor-
tant: Put away your phones. Says marriage
therapist Jill Whitney, LMFT, “We’re so
busy replying to texts or checking social
12 WNY Family February 2020
media that we hardly hear the one we’re
with. This is toxic to relationships.”
Once you create a distraction-free
space for a conversation, you might be
surprised where that conversation leads.
Sarah Protzman Howlett, a mom of four-
year-old twins, describes a simple ritual
she and her husband share. He says,
“So tell me things” and from there, they
might discuss anything from work to
travel plans to politics well into the night.
Says Rebecca Beck, mom of two, deep,
emotionally honest conversations are ex-
tremely important to her marriage as a
way of staying connected. Relationship
expert Lucinda Loveland says research
confirms, “couples who share with each
other more, like each other more.”
2) Kissing
Kissing (with all your clothes on)
is something you can do virtually any
time, anywhere — even in front of the
kids — and it’s incredibly intimate.
I’m not talking about the chaste kisses
Mike and Carol Brady exchanged before
bed. I’m talking prolonged kissing with
tongue. Skyler recommends what she
calls a “kissing date,” in which kissing is
not a means to sex, but rather the main
event. Kelly Burch is a strong proponent
of kissing. Though she and her husband
have always enjoyed it, now as parents
of a three-year-old and working opposite
shifts, it has become much more impor-
tant to them. Burch explains, “Kissing
only takes a minute and builds that con-
nection and intimacy.” As Natalie Rotelli
recalls, she grew up thinking kissing was
“first base” or just something to cover
on the way to “home plate.” Now mar-
ried with two children, she finds kissing
is in fact, “the most intimate thing [my
husband and I] could do.”
3) Touching
The power of touch is huge. Says
therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW,
“Whether it’s a kiss hello or goodbye or
holding hands, even non-sexual touching
builds connection between partners.” Da-
vid Bennett, a certified counselor and re-
lationship expert, explains this phenome-
non in terms of neuroscience. “Any form
of longer-duration cuddling and touching
causes a release of oxytocin in the brain.
This is the chemical that bonds couples
together. So, any type of cuddling or
hand-holding (just make it longer than
20 seconds) will build intimacy.” While
Bennett maintains nothing beats inter-
course when it comes to releasing oxyto-
cin, touching is the next best thing.
Relationship therapist Rhonda Mil-
rad, LCSW agrees that while touch is no
replacement for sex, it’s incredibly valu-
able. While many new parents are plain
old tired, there is limited privacy with
little eyes and ears at home. This is why
Milrad recommends foot and hand mas-
sages as a way to connect. She says, “Be-
ing touched and nurtured is sensual and
connecting and can feel like the two of
you are sneaking a guilty pleasure.”
Some couples just have a habit of
touching. Chase McCann, the mother of
a 17-year-old says she and her partner
have a habit of holding hands whenever
they’re out. “We hold hands on the street
or in parking lots (also sometimes in the
mall, if he’s afraid I’ll wander off). Sure,
in our case it’s a practical thing, but it
also means that even on days when we’re
busy and not thinking about intimacy,
we’re maintaining that touch connec-
tion.” Marc and Stephanie Trachtenberg
swear by the extended hug. With two
sons, their home is busy, but there’s al-
ways time for a hug, whether it’s in the
morning, after work, or any random mo-
ment. What matters is that the embrace