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WiregrassSeniorsMagazine . com
Drafting Guys Over 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I ’ m too old to track down terrorists . You can ’ t be older than 42 to join the military . They ’ ve got the whole thing backwards .
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight , they ought to take us old guys . You shouldn ’ t be able to join a military unit until you ’ re at least 55 .
For starters , researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds . Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month , leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy .
Young guys haven ’ t lived long enough to be cranky , and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier . ‘ My back hurts ! I can ’ t sleep , I ’ m tired and hungry .’ We are bad-tempered and impatient , and maybe letting us hunt some freedom hater that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while .
An 18-year-old doesn ’ t even like to get up before 10 am . Old guys always get up early to pee , so what the heck . Besides , like I said , I ’ m tired and can ’ t sleep and since I ’ m already up , I may as well be up hunting some hate-filled fanatic .
If captured , we couldn ’ t spill the beans because we ’ d forget where we put them . In fact , our own name and rank , would be a real brain teaser .
Boot camp would be easier for old guys . We ’ re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we ’ re used to soft food . We ’ ve also developed an appreciation for guns . We ’ ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house , and get a little peace and quiet .
They could lighten up on the obstacle course , however . I ’ ve been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side , nor did I ever do any pushups .
Actually , the running part is kind of a waste of energy , too . No-one can outrun a bullet .
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him . He ’ s still learning to shave and drink beer and talk to girls . He still hasn ’ t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes , not the back of his head .
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm ’ s way .
Let us old guys track down those terrorists . The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple thousand ticked off grey-hairs , with bad attitudes and automatic weapons . Who know that the only reason they have to be here is because some unemployed-America-hating loser who has bad intentions for our glorious institutions like parades , dirty dancing , and mall shopping .
HEY !! How about recruiting Women over 55 … in menopause !!! Oh my Gosh !!! If nothing else , put them on the border . They will have it secured by midnight tonight !