REFUSE
ABUSE
Domestic violence and abuse can happen to
anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the
problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is
especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather
than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it
can leave deep and lasting scars.
Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and
symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step
to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they
love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in
the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse,
don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.
The cycle of violence in domestic abuse
Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of
violence:
thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how
he’ll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning
the fantasy of abuse into reality.
•
Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts
his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can
justify abusing you.
Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to
leave. He may make you believe that you are the only
person who can help him, that things will be different
this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the
dangers of staying are very real.
The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example
A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he
experiences self-directed guilt. He says, “I’m sorry
for hurting you.” What he does not say is, “Because I
might get caught.” He then rationalizes his behavior
by saying that his partner is having an affair with
someone. He tells her “If you weren’t such a worthless
whore I wouldn’t have to hit you.” He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again.
He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how
he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go
to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds
from her is that she has a certain amount of time to
do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and
is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in
assaulting her because “you’re having an affair with
the store clerk.” He has just set her up.
•
Abuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with
aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a
power play designed to show you “who is boss.”
•
Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt,
but not over what he’s done. He’s more worried about the
possibility of being caught and facing consequences for
his abusive behavior.
•
Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or
she has done. The person may come up with a string of
excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything
to avoid taking responsibility.
•
“Normal” behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the
relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or
he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon
phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really
changed this time.
•
Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to
fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time
Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence
and abuse
It’s