From the time I left work until my time in the ward, my memory
isn’t great. Once I left the ward, I nearly ceased to exist as a person
and my memory is bare. My life during that time has been pieced
together through records and my family’s recollections.
For six days after I left the ward, my husband of 10 years took
care of me like a child and wondered if I had dementia or was
possessed, because of my cognitive impairment and strange behavior.
At a follow-up behavioral appointment, my nurse practitioner
immediately believed I had a neurological condition and expedited
my referral to a local neurologist. Her astute thinking absolutely
saved my life. However, the word “neurological” led my husband and
family to think the worst. They believed I had a brain tumor.
My neurologist’s diagnosis the next day was also life saving for me.
He believed I had AE but ordered more testing to rule out other
conditions. Over the course of three days, I failed a neurological
examination with flying colors, had an MRI image of my brain that
was of poor quality because I shook so badly and could not lie still,
and I underwent a spinal tap. I have only a few memories of the
testing the first day and I don’t remember much after. My family
cried for days and I was oblivious to everything. I repeatedly asked
the same questions about what was going on, but was fairly easily
reassured and was compliant. My mother repeated over and over,
“Thank God she doesn’t understand what’s going on.” Just 20 days
prior, I had successfully defended an order to show cause hearing,
but could not draw the face of a clock during my neurological exam.
During the early morning hours the day after the spinal tap, I
had a grand mal seizure in bed that broke and dislocated my right
shoulder. I was taken to CHI-St. Alexius Hospital in Bismarck,
where I spent the next five days. My memories from the hospital
are almost nonexistent and the ones I have are skewed. My health
was incredibly fragile and there was serious discussion of having the
Mayo Clinic’s airplane fly to Bismarck to retrieve me. While I was
sick and rendered incompetent, my husband, family, and a few close
lawyer friends took over my life and made all of the decisions for
my cases, my role in my own law firm, my health care, and whether
my husband had to sell our home and move us closer to our family.
I had no idea any of this was going on. They all went into crisis
mode to fight for my health and so that no one missed a step at the
law firm. The thankfulness I have for my Superman husband, my
beloved family, and my friends can never be fully explained.
My health started to stabilize, so I stayed in the Bismarck hospital.
Upon my release, I began a week of IV steroids to treat the AE. By
the second day of treatment, my mind rallied and my family saw the
signs of me again. I underwent a CT scan that same week, which
revealed blood clots in my right lung and leg, and three broken
vertebrae in my back. It was also during that week that I was able to
understand I was never mentally ill, but that all my health problems
were the AE at work.
I went to the Mayo Clinic in June and my diagnosis and treatment
were all verified, which was good news; it was the devil we were
coming to understand. But the recovery process was slow from there.
I struggled with people diverting my attention, noise, anxiety, fear,
personal interactions, any public outings, could not drive, felt broken
physically and mentally, was limited in movement, and was shaky and
unsteady. I was mostly confined to my home for a year. I had to repair
my mind, body, and spirit, and the Superwoman efforts required of
me to survive and recover were overwhelming. With the love and
support of my husband and family, and my determination to recover
for the sake of my children, I rose to the challenge.
I never returned to my law firm after the onset of the AE, and
I elected to retire from private practice based upon my health
conditions. Starting in fifth grade, I only wanted to be a lawyer and
have sacrificed more than I can explain to get to where I was in my
career when the AE hit. Feeling like I lost the career I loved and the
law firm I was so proud of, felt like the end of me and everything I
knew. Although I have lost in unexplainable ways, I have gained an
incredible new perspective on life. I have a lot of hope for the future.
I also believe I can use the same drive and skills I honed to be a
respected lawyer to accomplish the same goal I had as a lawyer: to
help others. How I can best do that, only time will tell. I am currently
working on a book to describe my experience with AE and I hope it
is out for readers to enjoy in 2020.
As I’ve gone through this journey, I believe I’ve learned a few
things along the way and hope to offer a little advice. 1) Take your
work-life balance seriously. Upon deep soul searching, I know I
was working too hard and not enjoying enough around me. I will
live with that guilt and lots of “what-ifs” for life. 2) Make sure you
surround yourself with colleagues and friends you admire and trust,
because your professional life requires it if you are ever unexpectedly
debilitated. 3) Purchase long-term disability insurance. It is a great
investment and was a life saver for me. But most importantly,
understand and read your policy before disaster strikes.
WINTER 2020
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