For a very long time, I did not know that I was hurting Turi. I didn’t necessarily have a best friend of the opposite sex but I entertained a lot of people on the relationship couch. I was a student leader in campus in charge of student clubs and social activities. Because of that, I was compelled to work very closely with students, especially those interested in student activities- most notably the freshmen.
I worked late on reports with them. I sat down with them to design club projects. I personally showed them around school when they wanted to join clubs. Needless to say, majority of these were ladies. I developed friendships with some of them but I did not draw clear boundaries.
So, it would come off as a shock to my girlfriend when these ladies kissed me on the cheek to say thank you or asked to meet them for lunch after a long morning of work. To me, I was oblivious to the issue. It persisted and I did nothing to stop the pecks, the long hugs, the random lunch meetings and hang out times after class. I was breaching the very rule I created. The relationship was not exclusive.
Let me give you a tip Beloved. Your girlfriend wants to be the only one to kiss your cheek. The lipstick on the shirt is not romantic; it’s immature. Make your relationship exclusive. Beloved sister, your man wants to be the one to take you for a lunch date. He sees death when you’re deciding between his lunch date and your “best friend” who just flew in from Chicago. Make your relationship exclusive if you want to set a great foundation for your future, hopefully a marriage.
Lack of exclusiveness creates lack of respect
When you fail to define your exclusivity, intruders will fail to respect you and your relationship. Once, while we were dating, Turi and I attended a concert in school. The auditorium was crowded, noisy with blasting music and there were no empty seats. One pretty girl who was my friend walked up to where I was. She was looking for a seat. She saw me. She was clad in a fitting short dress. She held the hem of her dress, pulled it down a little, walked up to me and sat on my laps. She did it so naturally and casually; I could hardly believe her audacity. Turi, who was seated next to me, was the object of everyone’s vision; they wanted to see her reaction.
Everyone there, including the girl seated on my lap, knew that Turi was my girlfriend. I arose from my seat and asked the girl to have my seat instead. I stood during the concert. As I stood, I tried to process what had just happened. Later, Turi told me that she was proud of me for not letting that girl sit on my laps, however, I couldn’t help but think, “Doesn’t this girl respect my relationship?” “Does she not respect me?”
In retrospect I saw the kind of friendship I entertained with this girl. I had developed a fondness for her and she had done the same because I called her a special name. It wasn’t anything to be ashamed of but it created an avenue to have internal jokes and games with her yet she wasn’t my girl. When you playfully call that girl “doll-face”, “your twin,” “your muffin,” etc, and she is not your girlfriend or he is not your boyfriend, you will hurt your partner eventually. And don’t be surprised if Doll-face kisses you openly in the presence of your girlfriend. Don’t be surprised when “muffin” asks to take you for dinner and your boyfriend is watching. You asked for the disrespect when you did not make the relationship exclusive. And when it happens, don’t blame the intruder. You can’t stop birds from flying over your head but you can stop them from building a nest on you