HOW TO COOK: THE MESS WORKER'S GUIDE
TO PREPARING FOOD FOR AN ENGINEER
I’ve always wanted to be a mechanic and own my own garage. So naturally, I became a cook in the BPHC college mess. You see, it’s not that different. I use motor oil for cooking, all my dishes taste like metal and have the same nutritional value as rubber tyres.
There is no one better than me to talk about cooking. Forget Gordon Ramsay and his pathetic Masterclass. Learn from me…how to cook Kadai paneer. Let me lead you gently into my culinary world.
All you shall need is paneer, oil (preferably Castrol), water, chilli powder, a kadai and some yellow paint. (use watercolors if you are on a budget, but oil paints if you feel like indulging)
First, chop up the paneer into infinitesimally small pieces. The appropriate size is around ten nanometres in length. You will need an electron microscope for accurate viewing and measurements. The important thing to remember here is…the paneer should practically cease to exist in the final result.
Next, cook your paneer in boiling water till it is of a nice, chewy and rubbery consistency. Do this step carefully. You must ensure that the paneer is delightfully undercooked. Place it on your tongue to check. You shouldn’t be able to taste it.
Do not remove the water. Simply add an equal amount of oil, two tablespoons of paint and a kilogram of chilli powder to give the unique taste that the students have come to love. Mix all these in a giant kadai with all the rage and frustration you can muster. Take out the crushing disappointment of not being a mechanic and pour it into the dish. Use your tears as seasoning.
A few bonus tips:
Tip 1: Garnish with assorted insects
Tip 2: Make a big deal of serving it. Have your minions ration it carefully and sparsely, to create an impression that it’s the bee’s knees or something. Presentation matters.
HOLIDAY SPECIAL: INTROVERT IDEAS TO AVOID NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTIES
With the year coming to an end, everyone is talking about one thing, how they'll spend the last few hours. Inevitably, you are likely to get invited to parties which you don't want to go to. Now don’t get me wrong here. These are people I like, and I genuinely enjoy their company. However, going to a party means interacting with many such people for a long period of time and I simply cannot do that. Now that might be hard for some of you to understand who are probably thinking, “Why would you ever say no to a party?” For those people, just a quick reminder of what introverts are like (see picture).
Now for all the introverts out there, here are a few tried and tested methods on how to avoid parties.
1. Assignments/projects. Yes yes I know that we do not have any at this time of the year. But its enough to convince your parents. Just tell them you are preparing in advance for the assignments of next semester. They’ll be more than happy to leave you alone.
2. Fake an illness or an injury. The good old headache is always handy. Bonus if you already have a mild cold. Accidentally slip and fall in the shower or sprain an ankle.
3. Have another party planned for a later time; then cancel that. Now bear in mind that this might be slightly tricky to pull off. All you have to do is pretend that you’re attending another
party that is at a later time and a far away place from the first one and then after everyone has left the home, enjoy your alone time.
If those 3 ideas don’t work and you’re forced to go, don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Here are some tips on how to survive a party that you didn’t want to go to.
1. Say something controversial, let everyone take sides and argue as you silently curl up in a corner with your favorite music to drown the noise.
2. Find another introvert or a pet at the party, or take your own with you. Only thing better than an introvert to give company to an introvert is a little puppy. You two can sit in silence for as long as you want and ‘enjoy’ the party.
3. Dress like upholstery. Sit very still on a chair in the corner and pretend like you're a part of it. Or stand at the edge of a window and act like you're a curtain. If the place has a view then you
can spend all night observing the world outside.
With that out of the way, I wish you all the best for your adventures. Oh and before you think I forgot, Happy New Year :D
CREDITS:
Writers: Mohammed Burk, Siddharth Sampath, Sayan Sahay, Niral Khambhati, Vishal Prabhu, Raghavendra Challawar, Rithvik Donnipadu, Niharika Shankar, Viswanatha Kasyap Pasumarthy
Editors: Soham Majumder, Monith Sourya, Vinith Bhandari, Sarthak Goel, Lipi Deepaakshi Patnaik, Jerry Jose, Koushal Devabhaktuni, Aishwarya Rebelly, Nikita Mandapati
Design: Nikita Mandapati
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