Self-sabotage 159 One of my female clients came to realize, as we looked at these issues, that she unconsciously did not want to become slim because then the men she met in her business world would value her on her looks rather than on her brains and business acumen. She realized that while she wanted to lose weight at the conscious level, at an unconscious level she need to stay overweight to‘ prove’ that her business associates clearly respected her for her brains not her body! Another mismatch I come across frequently is where unconsciously the person has come to associate being fat with being warm, cuddly and loving, and slim with being thin-lipped and mean. Just check your own perceptions around these stereotypes. One way to do this is to divide a piece of paper into two columns and head the columns:‘ Why I might want to stay big and cuddly’ and‘ Why might I not want to be skinny and thin’. Free associate as you write whatever comes to mind under each column. Force yourself to write something under each heading. Believe it or not, your mind has some good reasons for why you are the way you are. If you find nothing comes up take the piece of paper, put it beside your bed and ask the two questions of yourself as you go off to sleep. When you awaken in the morning check and see if any answers come to you. Some mismatches dissolve as we uncover and name them. Others remain, but if we learn exactly how they sabotage us we can minimize their impact. Some mismatches are harder to uncover and shift – this is where a good therapist comes in. Okay. So conscious – unconscious mismatches in their various forms are what cause us to self-sabotage – what can we do about it all? This is where setbacks and backsliding, rather than being our enemies, become our new best friends.