A few days later, I started receiving texts. Many texts in a row. She had been sick for days and couldn’ t get out of bed. Her head hurt. Her chest hurt. She could not stop crying. All because I wrote a bio with they-them pronouns. It literally broke her heart. I broke her heart. We haven’ t talked about it since.
I use she-her pronouns at home as a default. It’ s an unbearable pain. I guess my heart is also breaking.
I love my mom. I do. Hell, I love all the women in my family. It just became very clear to me that I will never be them. I don’ t want to be them. For the first time in my life, I want to be myself. I want to feel proud of who I know I am. And if I have to let go of those strong women in my life, I will. It will be difficult, but I will.
I can’ t have them hanging around me like a dead weight, dragging me down as I try to make space for myself in this world. I have to take them off. It’ s the right thing to do. Maybe I need to make a new family, you know? Find new community, I mean. Form new bonds, lasting ones, accepting ones. Have you ever had to do that? How do I even start? Have you ever read Moby Dick? Yeah?
Well, maybe I’ ll start with call me, sir.
Yeah. Call me, sir.