Dear Diary,
HE MOVED A RIVER WITH HIS BARE HANDS. HE USED HIS BIG DUMB MITTS TO DIG A DITCH AND REDIRECT A RIVER THROUGH THE STABLES AND CLEANED THEM IN TEN MINUTES. Not only THAT, but he won a tenth of Augeas’ cattle and brought them all to Mycenae, so now I have a mountain of cow poop to deal with. I told him that this one doesn’t count either, since he got paid, which he’s displeased about, according to the messenger whose arms he tore off. Either way, I sent him to get rid of a flock of birds that have been camped out at a lake in Stymphalos.
Dear Diary,
He killed the birds. Whoopdeedoo. He’s kinda taking all the fun out of this, if I’m being completely honest. I told him to go and bring me the Cretan Bull, which might actually pose a challenge. If the bull doesn’t kill him, maybe its humanoid son will.
Dear Diary,
He brought the bull, and, turns out, a giant bull does not play well in the city of Mycenae. That’s gonna be another tax hike. I had no choice but to let the thing go, before it stomped its way through any more orphanages. His next thing is gonna be to get the weird carnivore horses that Diomedes seems so fond of.
Dear Diary,
He got the mares. Figures that having him bring more ridiculously dangerous animals into the city was a bad idea. Another orphanage messily eaten. Shame. That’s gonna be another tax hike. Either way, I sent him to get a belt from the Amazon queen. Maybe animals are his specialty and fighting against human people isn’t his jam.
Dear Diary,
Some bloodshed between the Greeks and the Amazons later, I have the belt. No idea what I’m gonna do with it. It doesn’t go with any of my outfits :( Next thing for him is to get more fancy livestock. I’ve already had the asbestos-reinforced stables built, so why not. This time, from very very far away. Geryon, this giant dude who’s kinda three dudes - hard to explain, - has some cows, and I would either like them or like Geryon to messily kill my cousin. Either way.
Dear Diary,
He got the cows. Lucky me. Just in time, too. I’m about to invent hamburgers. Side note, those two mountains over there near Gibraltar look new. Crazy stuff. Next thing for this guy is gonna be to bring me the apples of the Hesperides. I'm also about to invent apple juice, and I want the first batch to be a success.
Dear Diary,
He brought back the apples, but before I could hand them to the orphans for proper juicing, I thought that perhaps pulping divine fruit would not be a good idea. So I sent Heracles to give them back. He didn’t think to ask if that counts as a labor, which is helpful. When he gets back, since it's his last labor, I may as well make him work for it. I have a mighty need for a companion, so I’m sending him to acquire the goodest boy, Cerberus.
Dear Diary,
Cerberus is certainly a good boy, but Hades is certainly good at tracking him down.
Right after Cerberus got picked up, Heracles skipped town. So now I’m down a
dog and a divine beefcake, but I’m up a buttload of livestock and this cool belt.
So I’d say this whole thing is more or less a win.
Jake Berkowitz, Flint Hill School '20
1st Place
12th Grade
NJCL Essay
Contest
15