Eurystheus'
diary (DO NOT READ)
a creative writing piece
written by Jake Berkowitz
Dear Diary,
Today was a big day. At about noon, this guy shows up at my doorstep, and he’s just massive. Rippling pecs, his biceps have biceps, the whole deal. Says his name is Heracles, he killed his wife and kids, he has to “complete ten labors” to “repent” or whatever. So I told this gigantic moron, who’s apparently my cousin on grampa Perseus’ side, to go and kill this huge lion out in Nemea. It’s been devouring people for a while now, so I figured this would be both a fancy execution AND a nice way to feed native wildlife some organic, free-range meat.
Dear Diary,
So I’m eating my dinner, and this guy who I sent to get tenderized by the Nemean Lion like a month ago walks in, busts down my door wearing a giant silver lion pelt. Behind him, there’s a mob complaining about damages. Apparently, this colossal blockhead had been crashing through gates and walls all through town. Clearly he’s too stupid to walk around things, but strong enough that he can just force his way through them. PR nightmare. Thousands of drachma gone. I told him that the next time he has to use the back entrance. Anyway, he killed the stupid lion, and apparently the pelt is basically invulnerable. Not gonna lie, a ginormous brute who is also immune to harm is terrifying. In a fit of panic I commissioned a giant bronze panic bunker. I told the enormous clod to go kill another weird animal. Some crazy snake in a swamp near Lerna. I hear it’s so aggressive that it’s made the entire swamp unnavigable, so here’s hoping one of the nine heads bites him somewhere painful.
Dear Diary,
So he killed the stupid snake. Well, if we’re being technical, he and his nephew Iolaus killed it. To make matters worse, he came back with arrows that were dripping in the thing’s blood, which corroded my new marble floor. At least he used the back entrance this time. I told him that since he had help on this one that it didn’t count. Next, I sent him to capture the Ceryneian Hind, which should keep him occupied for the foreseeable future. If Artemis’ blessing doesn’t make it impossible to hunt down, and if he does actually kill the thing, having the goddess of the hunt upset with you is a fantastic way to die.
Dear Diary,
You’ll never believe this. Heracles, the titanic imbecile is back, and he’s got the stupid deer. It took him a whole year, but he’s back. Not only that, but he dropped the deer off alive, so now I have a holy deer to take care of for the rest of my life. AND if I feed it the wrong stuff, Artemis kills me. But, as long as he knows how to take things alive and not just kill them, I figured I could up the difficulty a bit. I sent him to capture a giant boar that’s been terrorizing people on Mount Erymanthus. This thing is either big and angry enough to kill Heracles or some fantastic ribs waiting to happen.
Dear Diary,
In a stunning turn of events, he brought me the pig. It was delicious. Honestly, I think things taste better from here inside my bunker, even if the smith thought “underground bunker” meant “giant bronze jar in the dirt.” I figure if I can’t kill the musclebound idiot with super deadly tasks, I may as well give him something literally impossible. Augeas has this weird thing for cows, and he’s got thousands of them. There is literally no physical way for Heracles to clean all his stables in one day. It’s impossible. Nobody, not even a roid-raging hero of the Gods can do it.
Dear Diary,
HE MOVED A RIVER WITH HIS BARE HANDS. HE USED HIS BIG DUMB MITTS TO DIG A DITCH AND REDIRECT A RIVER THROUGH THE STABLES AND CLEANED THEM IN TEN MINUTES. Not only THAT, but he won a tenth of Augeas’ cattle and brought them all to Mycenae, so now I have a mountain of cow poop to deal with. I told him
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