Dear Advice Kitty,
I am in a long term relationship.
I tend to be very social and approachable, she tends to be passive, content and disinterested in self improvement.
I feel like what we each want from life is at odds. Yet I have years with her before I finally realized what was between us. I doubt that either will change.
I have many years with her and I hate to throw that away, but all I see is frustration if I stay. I have tried many things to express my concern and illustrate the frustration of dealing with someone who says they will do things then don't.
So I'm on the fence, worry about losing the security of companionship, worried that I might be too demanding and unreasonable, yet dreading the thought of continuing to live like this...
Signed,
Torn and Tormented
Dear Torn,
It sounds to me like you're looking for an exit strategy. If that is the case and you have already made up your mind, there's nothing I can say that will change things. I suspect you are seeking permission and rationalization to end things. If that is the case, you are out of luck. I'm not here to make the tough choices for you, I'm here to be a sympathetic and occasionally dispassionate voice of logic and reason.
But, since I have more column space to burn, let's discuss the rest of your letter. You claim your partner is "content," and that she's "disinterested in self-improvement." Have you considered that what she might be disinterested in are the improvements you'd prefer she make to her self? Reverse the situation for a moment and try to put yourself in her place.
How would you feel if you were suddenly told that the way you were content in conducting yourself was inconvenient to someone else's agenda? And if you didn't change to suit their desires, that they'd leave you? How would you respond?