Benjamin Lerner is a recovering addict , composer , writer , musician , and radio host . He has been sober and clean since June 13th , 2016 . In his weekly column , CLEAN , he shares his personal journey - and lessons he has learned from his life in recovery . Benjamin lives in East Arlington , Vermont .
The room was dark and cool as a piercing cry broke through the silence . I was six years sober , and my baby boy had just woken up in the middle of the night . It was my turn to change him and check on him , and I was exhausted and disoriented beyond belief . I flicked on a small lamp next to my bed , walked over towards the bassinet , and picked him up with gingerly care .
My hands trembled as I laid him down on a thin cushion and fumbled around for the necessary accoutrements . After clumsily grabbing what I needed , I picked out a new onesie while my girlfriend tossed and turned on our bed . The time would soon come for her to nurse him back to sleep , and I wanted to make sure that every step leading up to that moment was as impeccable and seamless as possible .
After finishing a series of awkward and poorly-timed changing maneuvers , I emerged victorious . My baby was freshly changed , his cries had decreased in volume , and I had seemingly conquered every obstacle . The feeling of gratitude and accomplishment brought me back to my first months in recovery , when I savored every small and mundane triumph . Sadly , my indulgent , self-centered reminiscence was short-lived . While lifting my son off of the changing table , I shifted my feet towards the bed and tripped over the undercarriage of his bassinet . I shuffled my legs like a manic figure skater as I attempted to regain my balance . Upon finding my footing , I arrived at a startling discovery : My
MIND & BODY
son was screaming at the top of his lungs , and he had been profoundly startled by my loss of control .
My girlfriend rose from her pillow with a concerned look on her face . She sighed while staring at me with the strength of a thousand eyes , then furrowed her brow as she asked the following question : “ What just happened ? Is everything OK ?” I froze like a cat burglar caught in the act as I scrambled to concoct a favorable explanation . I knew that I owed it to her to tell the truth , but I didn ’ t want to frighten her any more than I needed to . I stared down at the ground , bit the side of my cheek , and closed my eyes . I was trapped by the weight of my own ego , and I didn ’ t know how to free myself . Suddenly , I remembered the wise words of a friend who had helped me in early recovery :
“ In both active addiction and recovery , we find ourselves confronted with situations where lying may seem advantageous – especially when others have placed their trust in us , or when we are tasked with an undertaking that requires great responsibility . In situations where we fall short , we can maintain our sanity and self-esteem by doing what seems almost entirely impossible : telling the truth and admitting our faults . Ironically , by confronting our flaws , we conquer our greatest shortcomings of all : our fear of inadequacy and our crippling selfdoubt .”
After taking a moment to breathe and compose myself , I admitted that I had almost fallen down with our baby . Instead of scolding me and revoking my parental privileges , she greeted my admission with a relieved facial expression and the following kind response : “ I ’ m just glad you ’ re both OK .” As she took our son and held him in her arms , I experienced a calming sense of relief . Recovery had given me the ability to tell the truth about my mistakes , and I was grateful to be moving forward as a more honest man and father .
Always remember :
Keep moving forward . Run towards the truth . Don ’ t quit before the miracle happens .
Visit aa-intergroup . org / directory . php for a comprehensive list of online and phone-based AA meetings .
For local meetings visit tpcbennington . org or call 802-442-9700 .
July 29 , 2024 Vermont News Guide 29