Submissives, got a question for slave Feyrie?
Email Verboten with “Question for slave Feyrie”
in the Subject. Your question may be featured in
an upcoming issue
Sub FAQ
slave
Feyrie
What is the difference between being a submissive and a slave? How do I know which category
I fit in? - Sub vs Slave in San Francisco
Ah the old question. I consent to put on my Supergirl cape and jump into this hornet’s nest for you.
Maybe I haven’t given up hard SM masochism after all.
This question has caused more anger and hurt feelings than you can possibly imagine. Almost no
one will answer it because it has an ugly history of being used to discredit and malign others, or “prove”
that one person is “more than” another. So as educators, and as a community, we have collectively
refused to have set definitions for these words.
So yes, I will tell you MY definition of submissive and slave. But NO there is no universally agreed
on definition for these things. And I do this only with the caveat that my definitions not be used to
invalidate anyone’s identity, or as weapons in a power game to make one person feel less than another.
That said, here we go.
Submissive is an adjective describing a person’s attitude and demeanor. Our community has
taken the adjective “submissive” and turned it into a noun to indicate a certain type of role in a certain
type of relationship. I will be describing the noun form. A submissive is someone who enjoys serving and
receiving and following orders within certain negotiated boundaries. The submissive is obligated to obey
only during the specified time period, and only does things they have agreed to. After that, they go back
to “regular life” until the next agreed upon time. Examples include: negotiated scenes, service dates,
relationships which are a partnership of equals except during certain times (ie Saturday night you put
on the collar and are mine until the kids wake up on Sunday morning), relationships where the partners
live separately and meet up at specified times to engage in D/s then return to their “normal” lives and/
or partners free to make decisions and do as they like. The above list is just a list of examples and does
not include all possible scenarios. The submissive retains the right to set and renegotiate boundaries
and, outside of those boundaries, remains completely autonomous and responsible for his or her own
life. Submissives can be any gender identity. Submissives generally exhibit submissive (adj) behavior
during service dates, and may or may not engage in sex or SM play with the Dominant partner. Contracts
spelling out exactly who, what, and for how long are really good for this type or relationship.
A slave is someone who gives absolute surrender and obedience to a Master who, in turn, accepts
complete responsibility for the slave. For example, if the Master orders the slave to quit his or her job, the
Master then provides housing, medical, insurance, transportation, retirement, clothing, and grooming
essentials to the slave. Or the Master may provide support and training for the slave to get a better job,
and once again provide these things for itself. Either way, with absolute obedience comes absolute
responsibility. And without absolute obedience, absolute responsibility is impossible. Slaves do not
/ submission
Continued on Page 28