Vagabonds: Anthology of the Mad Ones Vagabonds Vol. 3 | Seite 62

you know that dogs bite more people a year than cats do? So what are you going to do?
Kick all the dogs out too? That seems real practical,” he says rolling his eyes.
“Dogs?” I ask. “Who the fuck said anything about dogs? The problem is that cat, not
some fucking dog.”
“Alright,” he says. “Don’t get riled up or we’ll have to throw you out the door too. Just
take a deep breath and calm down before you say something else stupid.”
“Alright,” I say even though, between you and me, no amount of breathing in the past has
ever prevented me from saying something stupid. I take a deep breath. “Alright. Let’s just
assume that you’re right. That I can’t kick the cat out because it’s illegal. And it’d be
unsafe. And that it’d create some sort of illegal, street-roaming cat army. Let’s just
assume you’re right there. Is there nothing else I could do? Like, maybe the cat just needs
something. Truth be told, I never really tried to take care of the stupid thing. Maybe the
cat’s just disgruntled. Maybe I just have to watch it a little bit, or hire somebody to watch
it if I’m out of town. Or maybe I should get it more food, or some toys, or some kitty
litter or something.”
“Nah. You can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Listen,” he sighs. “It’s cat. Cats do their own thing. That’s the nature of the cat, to be
free. You can’t just go on taking care of cats when it’s the cat’s own damn responsibility
to take care of itself. What are you going to do, take care of its every need? Baby it?
Spoon feed it?” He shakes his head. “No, no. That’s bad all around. First, it’ll cost you
too much money and you’ll go broke. Secondly, you’re going to make that cat dependent
on you. And third, I bet you it wouldn’t even help anything anyway. You can help that
cat and watch over it all you want. But if that cat’s got its mind made up that it wants to
scratch your face off, then you best be damned sure it’s going to scratch your goddamn
face right off sooner or later.”
Now, truth be told, my face isn’t all that pretty to begin with.
But in terms of what’s left covering my head, it’s just about all I got left.
So needless to say, I was inclined to do whatever it took to keep my face where it was.
“OK,” I say. “So that’s your solution, then. Don’t get rid of it. Don’t help it. Just get
another cat.”
“Just get another cat,” he repeats all smoothly.
“And why the hell am I getting another cat now?”
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