subjective experience that will either encourage or sabotage a
relationship. Respect the other’s perspective even if you
disagree with that perspective. Never engage in the blame
game because it is a losing proposition that only leads to a
dark, fruitless place. Instead, find common ground by working
and compromising together in order to find a mutually
acceptable solution.
wrought with emotional pain as you are constantly forced to
defend yourself. If you are already in a relationship with
someone who is critical, they need to acknowledge it and
actively seek to change their behavior. Relating to an overly
critical person over an extended period of time will likely exact
an emotional toll that may eventually trash your own hierarchy
of needs, leaving you bankrupt. Approach them with caution.
Though we are all responsible for 100% of our own behavior,
I’d like to reiterate that we are only one half of the equation.
Yes, there are “rules” of engagement in any relationship. I
don’t like the word “rules” because it implies a rigid legalism
so I prefer to call them “fundamentals”. If we don’t adhere to
these fundamentals, we can ensure failure of a relationship.
Patience, endurance, a sense of fairness and most of all the
willingness to reciprocate must be developed and encouraged
in each one of us in order to meet another’s needs in a
relationship. The key fundamental here is empathy.
If we have an earnest desire to do what is right then a solution
is possible when we are fair, loyal, and honest and avoid
exaggerating or blowing things out of proportion. We need to
learn to dismiss offenses and to hold no grudges in light of
our own humanity and, above all, we must live in the present.
"As the journalist Ella Winter said over dinner to the novelist
Thomas Wolfe, “Don't you know you can't go home again?"
It is impossible to return to the past and the future is only
determined by how each of us approaches the present moment,
addressing only those things that are directly in front of us at
any given time. Bringing old worn out memories into the battle
doesn’t work.
A question that often arises for every one of us is: “What if the
other person is holding onto their pride, their ego and their
excuses instead of working toward a solution.” I’d suggest that
it's time to let go, to walk away and let things cool down. No
good ever comes from escalating a disagreement. Everyone
has their highs and lows and today may be that “low”day for
the other person. To continue escalation will surely push a
relationship toward sinking beyond recovery.
It can be challenging to consider another’s feelings, to
accommodate their needs and to respect their boundaries. It
can be accomplished without losing yourself or considering it
a hardship if these basic needs are reciprocated by the person
with whom you have a relationship. Sometimes a person will
not reciprocate these fundamentals and sadly this is not a
relationship, it is a one-way street. If it persists to the point
where you lose yourself or it is a hardship, your time and effort
is best spent elsewhere.
Hairsplitting is synonymous with being overcritical or more
informally referred to as nitpicking, persnickety and picky.
This is a function of the ego. A critical nature is unpleasant to
say the least and it is destructive to any relationship and is far
away from being a relationship builder. Such ugliness indicates
a deeper emotional dysfunction in the perpetrator and should
not be tolerated.
My experience has been that it is best to avoid beginning a
relationship with someone who consistently displays this
behavior because it will catapult you onto a battleground
Many relationships are destroyed or damaged by impulsive
behavior because we fail to engage our brain before engaging
our mouth. I have a size 11 foot and I’ve found from time to
time that it fits rather neatly in my mouth. This is the time when
one of the most painful of human experiences is necessitated
by a condition that I created … I need to apologize.
From the time we are little children we are often forced to
apologize to our own dismay and embarrassment. We have
learned from a very young age that apologizing makes us
vulnerable to those who would gloat over our infraction which
only seemed to reinforce their self-superiority. Simply put, you
were wrong and they were right.
If I were to summarize what I believe to be the most important
fundamental for relationships it is to master the art of
apologizing. Just as equally important is to graciously accept