It seems that the old adage to “love your
enemies” would be nearly impossible
given my definition of Love. How we
manage our relationships is best
accomplished by measuring our own
behavior and our own response toward
others against our own humanity and
frailties. When we do this, it is amazing
to find out just how many enemies we
really don’t have. There is a subtle
difference between an enemy and a
friend and it is rooted deeply within our
own perceptions.
One of the subtleties that has a profound
effect on a relationship is choice. We
can either choose to build a case over
time that will chip away at the core
reasons we chose to love someone in the
first place, or we can choose to embrace
behaviors that build up the relationship.
I could not stress this more: empathy
builds relationships and self-centered
behavior tears them apart.
If someone were to harm you physically
or emotionally, this is not subtle but a
clear indication that something is
drastically wrong and that action is
required to protect you from further
harm. However, the majority of our
relationships are not about these glaring
travesties that some individuals inflict
on others.
Abraham Maslow’s
lays the framework for describing many
realities of our human experience. One
can readily recognize and identify the
cause and effect of these realties on our
own behavior, and our human
experience, in a manner that most of us
have never put into words. Each level of
our needs within the framework of
is dependant on the
previous level of needs being satisfied.
As we ascend the stages of the
we recognize that we all have
basic human needs like oxygen, food,
clothing and shelter. A sense of safety
and security are the second level of the
hierarchy. Though less tangible than our
basic physical needs, safety and security
are basic conditions that must be met
and are no less important to our mental
and physical health. A tangible example
of safety and security is to be free from
necessarily like them, and that is likely
to poison the relationship.
fear of retaliation or physical and
emotional abuse.
When the needs that are essential for
survival are met we ascend to the third
level of the hierarchy to the deeper
emotional needs of Love, Affection,
Belongingness and being Liked, all of
which assume a central role in our lives.
Humans are social beings, it is basic to
our nature, and this is why people seek
to overcome feelings of loneliness and
alienation. Essentially, these needs can
only be fulfilled by the acts of both
giving as well as receiving Love,
Affection, Belongingness … and also by
being “Likeable.”
The fourth level of needs is closely
related to self-esteem. Maslow goes on
to say that humans have a need for a
stable, firmly based, high level of selfrespect as well as respect from others.
He summarized that when these needs
are satisfied, the person feels selfconfident and valuable as a person and
when these needs are frustrated, the
person feels inferior, weak, helpless and
worthless. Being liked and self-esteem
are highly dependent upon one another
as they are locked in the complex dance
of emotions that are intertwined in our
human relationships.
Lastly, humans need self-actualization
which is a person's need to be and do
that which the person was "born to do."
We all have the potential for growing
into a self-actualizing person of our
own kind. When self-actualization is
frustrated, the person senses that they
are lacking something which results in
feelings of tension, of being on-edge,
and ultimately unsettled and unfulfilled.
It is far more powerful and selfactualizing for someone to “like” you.
Being liked transcends Love as the
prime force within all relationships. In
some relationships being loved is almost
a mandatory, yet fundamental design of
that particular type of relationship;
parents are expected to love their
children, though they may not
The word “hate” can be defined as the
opposite of love, but it can also be used
as the opposite of “like” as well. Think
about how it cuts to the heart when
someone says that they hate you and
then think again how warm it makes
you feel when someone says that they
like you; it’s because you feel validated.
Validation can help us to feel selfactualized and it is dependent on what
others think of you. If someone has a
negative attitude toward you, your
whole world can crumble off that bad
foundation. The trick is to feel selfactualized with emphasis on the word
“self”.
When a person is unable to achieve
self-actualization the whole hierarchy
of one’s needs may come tumbling
down like a house of cards. In time, a
frustrated individual will resort to
finding “replacement emotions” to
resolve those feelings of inferiority,
weakness,
helplessness
and
worthlessness. Depression, eating
disorders, alcoholism, intractable anger
and a host of other personal “detours”
all result from a person’s unfulfilled
needs on any of these levels.
Relationships are the first thing to suffer
as a result of these assaults on our
psyche. It is possible to remove the
roadblocks that tear a person down if
they can be encouraged to see that they
can change the subtle perception that
their life is not irretrievably underwater.
I was at that same point when my life
took a proverbial dump in the toilet after
I became totally and permanently
“disabled” due to my military service.
What followed after the injuries was an
onslaught; I’ve endured several
surgeries, five rounds with cancer and
survived two near death experiences
which were caused by an electrical
problem in my h