Suicidal behaviour
I wanted to kill myself at the age of 16. I think I got to that point 3 times or
so, but only one time did I really try. What made me do that? The depression state. The environment.
My first try came from an “I don’t give a damn” state-of-mind. I had a problem on one of my feet (ingrown toenail), but it became quite severe. I was bleeding quite a lot, and each day when I got home from school, I had to change my socks and wash them so my parents would not see the blood. I didn’t care about myself at all. I was bleeding all day and it progressively became worse over time. It got so bad that even my walk was deformed. I had this open wound for more than a year, which could have turned out quite severe. That´s how little I cared about myself. So maybe that was a form of suicide? If so, it’s a funny one, but the attitude that led to it is quite scary.
The hard try: Hanging myself. I had a TV cable in my room and I thought, “That´s it, I will do it!” - although I could have used a spool of thread since I was so skinny (1.7m or 5.5 feet and only 36 kg or 80 lbs). I actually put the cable around my neck and was ready to do it, but it hurt so badly that I stopped.
Then I realized that I was being completely stupid for wanting to do that. Life is a game, even if the rest of the people are blind to the world´s problems or the amazing understandings of reality that science has discovered so far. I will have to live, no matter what, because one day I will die and this is my only chance to experience the world. Actually, the lack of a religious belief made me not even think about doing it anymore, because I was scared that I would die and that would be it. It’s not like I’ll be seeing my own funeral.
If religion saves some people´s life,
the lack of religion saved mine.