Even today, I cannot sleep well. But, why is that? ….I always wonder.... My simple answer is that I have so many thoughts in my head that it’s impossible to just close my eyes and shut the hell up. I tried all the methods: hot bath before bed, a hot cup of milk, doing exercises, not eating 3 hours before sleeping, even rose petals on the bed (that one was beyond stupid, but I was desperate).
I tried to count sheep, but then I was wondering from what animals did sheeps evolve, and went so far with that idea that I ended up thinking of how the universe was formed. I tried to think of a TV static signal, as if I had no thoughts (no connection) so maybe I would fall asleep, but did you know that this is actually the cosmic background radiation; the evidence for the big bang?.... So how could I not think of it for hours? Once I tried for 12 hours to fall asleep, I even took breaks to eat something so I won't die of starvation. Nothing worked, ever.
So, is this insomnia? Really? I just see it as being too curious and wanting to do something with the time I spend living. Also, if I wasn't forced to wake up at 6am to go to school, I could have gone to sleep when I felt like it, as I do now, and be able to properly sleep. So, at the very least, it should be called school-induced-insomnia, or work-induced-insomnia.
Insomnia
Self image
Another thing I was obsessed with was the fact that I was very skinny and, until the age of 16, very short. I didn't like to talk to people face-to-face because they were so tall compared to me. A blues dance was stressful for me as well, because all of the girls were taller than me and I was completely shy as a result.
When I grew up, I kept the same weight but almost doubled my height. Therefore, I was extremely skinny and so stressed about it that for all of my high school years (4 years without exception), I never wore short pants and very rarely wore t-shirts.
Moreover, I sometimes had 2 or 3 pairs of pants and up to 4 blouses on, just to look more “fluffy”. And this happened even in the summertime when outside temperatures were 40C (100F). It was so painfully uncomfortable.
What made me change my mind about this? I changed when I realized “beauty” (the self image, the way someone looks) is something purely cultural, imaginary, and with no logic at all. Becoming scientific about this issue made me realize its stupidity. After that, I was no longer stressed about such things anymore.