A BETTER DIVORCE
One day recently, my 13 year old daughter asked me, “Mom, do you get sad when you get a
new case? Do you feel bad for the family that’s getting a divorce?” She has not experienced
divorce directly but has two sets of cousins who have gone through it and she understands
how difficult divorce has been in their lives. Her empathy was palpable and I thought
carefully about how to answer.
I told her, “I’m not sad because they are going to get a divorce whether they see me or not,
but hopefully I can help them to have a more amicable divorce where they make all the
decisions for themselves. It’s better for their kids if they can have a “respectful” divorce.” She
nodded her head and we talked a bit more about families we know who are divorced and
how the parents and children cope.
Being a Divorce & Family Mediator has exposed to me to many different families and unique
situations. Each one is an opportunity for a fresh start. I’ve heard many a judge ask, “Do you
think this document represents both of your wishes?” Every divorce is fair and equitable
based on the couples unique circumstances. I think about that throughout my meetings with
clients. While emotions can run high and anger deep, the time I spend with a couple sorting
out the 20-25 issues that they needs to negotiate is productive on so many levels. My process
is facilitative rather than directive which means I help my clients negotiate but I don’t give
advice or tell them what to do. I will give information and make sure that both parties are
heard. It’s important for each party to have an attorney to represent their best interests but
if you are using a mediator you want to make sure the attorney understands the mediation
process so that they support the agreement that you work on together.
Depending on the case, the focus varies. In some cases, I spend more time on finances and
unpacking the relationship each person has to their finances. In most couples, one party is in
charge of the finances and we take the time to educate the other party on their financial
situation. There are a lot of materials to sift through and the homework for the couple can be
overwhelming. When necessary, I refer them out to a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial