The Wykehamist On Quelle
Felix Edmondson rants politely
I
must, regrettably, admit that The Wykehamist has recently suffered a rather troubled phase; its last issue was all the way back before I joined in 2020, with names I’ ve never known, except for two Collegemen who were top-years while I was a Jun Man, whom I managed to find again in a very old email of 2020’ s Short Roll, which brought back all sorts of fuzzy feelings.
But enough of the nostalgia. We have well and truly cemented ourselves in the age of computers. Most of the news that we get is from the digital school newsletter that appears every week, as well as from the digital Sports Report for all our sporting needs. These are publications from superintending bodies who primarily mean them for our parents – the Trusty Servant, for example, is effectively what The Wykehamist is, but with an older audience. College is the only house that gets copies, and even then they’ re stashed away so we barely ever see them.
So, if we don’ t get the newsletter in this day and age, the Trusty Servant is never piloted in our direction, and the Sports Report is comprised solely of, well, sports, then what have we, the Wykehamists, dived into for our news and knowledge? The answer is Quelle, the school’ s satirical newspaper, by the pupils, for the pupils. Formed in 1990 in a College dorm and hand-printed at first, it has become a staple of the young, inquisitive Wykehamist’ s time here at Winchester. Six times a year, Quelle provides updates, opinions, interviews, sketches and more, underneath the blunt, yet iconic motto:“ It’ s satire … deal with it.”
Quelle has had more contemporary success than The Wykehamist, because of the rise of other competing media, and, of course, with its being actually in issue. Funnily enough, I’ ve been part of the Quelle team that has been behind this story, which is why you’ ll notice my rather liberal and humorous literary style – forgive me, but“ I ain’ t going to change much”. Now, given my prowess as an esteemed and respected writer for Quelle, the Editor of The Wykehamist reached out and commissioned an article from me, and who am I to say no? I’ ve decided to base this article on my experiences writing for the big Q, and also why I am not vehemently against the idea of the co-existence of The Wykehamist and Quelle.
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Quelle first came to me in 2020, with issue # 6968, covering such topics as conspiracy theories, capitalistic coffee ploys and Señora Hepworth herself. At first glance, I enjoyed the articles, written with such a sense of elegance and panache, amazingly blended in with that sense of tongue-in-cheek, but I also took a near-inexhaustible devotion to the Quelle Quotes section, which has never subsided. To put it simply, snippets of speech taken wildly out-of-context are submitted to the editors, and the best are then exhibited to all, much to everyone’ s amusement. I’ ve collected quite the handful myself: at the time of writing, it’ s 1,247 quotes and counting.
That was only the beginning. Since then, I haven’ t missed reading a single issue, and have passionately promoted it to my fellow collegemen.
There exists in later issues a section known as“ The Rant”, in which one select writer gets an entire section of free reign to write whatever pleases them. Whereas Quelle became more events-based and strayed further from the absurd of old, the Rant remains a bastion of exceptionality, like that one zany article in a newspaper that you just cannot avoid reading. The first writer to take on the job as School Ranter was my good friend and pater, Taanvir Sood( Coll:, 2019-2024), who held the tenure for a year and provided some compelling articles. Now, if you asked me to describe the position of Ranter, I’ d give you an Agony Uncle or Aunt whom nobody asked for, but everybody appreciates. I say that from personal experience – I succeeded Taanvir, and now I write the Rants.
Under my stewardship, the Quelle Rant has never had to look far for material: the saga with the Sports Centre was still ongoing when I first put pen to paper( or rather, finger to keyboard), and the introduction of the dreaded LightSpeed has transformed pupil life, presenting an unavoidable opportunity for a satirical article. I’ ve been perceived by other Wykehamists as a trailblazer and a whistleblower, getting essential news, which otherwise would not have seen daylight, to the pupils. I also tap into my creative licence, which allows me to flaunt my skills in writing tantalising, captivating, and compelling prose for your eyes only. You could say it’ s show business, and to that I say yes: it is show business, if you want to look at it like that.