My life as an upbeat sort of lunatic
Sam Harrington-Lowe was going to talk about growing older gracefully . Or disgracefully . Or however it is you want to do it . But then life said something else
This article was originally going to be about positive ageing . A rage against the purported dimming of the light , if you will . But actually , I ’ m going to write about being diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 51 .
I was recently on the phone to a fella , I won ’ t say who , and we were talking about this . And he made some crack about it being the latest trend . And good lord weren ’ t there loads of women doing this now at our age , isn ’ t it fashionable ha ha .
If he ’ d been in front of me , I might have been tempted to punch him across the room , but obviously only in my head because ABH etc . Also I ’ m working on my impulsiveness , now I know that I can be impulsive .
But as I found myself patiently explaining – again – why having ADHD , or in fact any kind of neurodiversity really isn ’ t a trend , nor is it usually ‘ fun ’ or even funny ( well , maybe sometimes funny ), and not something you ’ d want to make up having , I did feel weary . A weariness that women everywhere will recognise anyway , and I expect all latediagnosis ND people too .
‘ But you seem so normal ’, he continues , unabashed . I sigh . ‘ Yes ,’ I say . ‘ And that ’ s taken half a century of exhausting acting .’ But I ’ m not ‘ normal ’, whatever the hell that even is . I ’ ve always known I was different , and always had to work hard to fit in . The reason for women being diagnosed later in life are so many and myriad I haven ’ t got room here . Let ’ s just say they slipped through the net .
Fortunately , the relief of being diagnosed more than compensates for ( repeatedly ) having to have idiotic conversations like this . Finding out that there was a good reason for being weird was such an emotional phenomenon , I ’ m not even sure I can put it into words .
Before diagnosis my day would be filled with trying to do too many things at once . Starting things and not finishing them . Working out how to do something and then not doing it because hey , now I ’ ve worked it out it ’ s boring . It was fighting executive dysfunction – I ’ d have a ten-minute job to do that was holding EVERYTHING ELSE up and not be able to do it . Just absolutely stuck , sometimes for weeks . By 11am I would be exhausted , unable to form clear thoughts . I was filled with panic , so I ’ d curl up on the sofa and hide from everything . I couldn ’ t talk to people . I could barely respond to text .
It was an inability to sit still , or concentrate on anything for more than about 10 minutes . It was a constant search for distraction which then led to a cluttered mind . It was being unable to decide what to wear every day , so mostly living in the same type of clothes 24 / 7 . Offending people by blurting things out that were best left unsaid . It ’ s having hyperfixations and listening to the same tune or watching the same programme over , and over , and over again . It ’ s an inability to cope with noise and light , and an actual fear of supermarkets and the overwhelm .
There are masses more , but let ’ s do some positives , because there are some , and I try to be an upbeat sort of lunatic . When I ’ m under pressure , back-to-the-wall deadlines etc , I can turn out extraordinary things ( although the crash afterwards is like the worst drug comedown ever ). I ’ m able to paint , sing , play the piano , write , memorise whole pages of text , pass exams without actually going to any classes , run a business . I can see music ; I have synaesthesia which is pretty cool . Music is coloured . I love that .
But it took almost a fullblown breakdown to get diagnosed and treated , because I ’ m also awful at asking for help . I ’ m fortunate – I ’ ve got a lovely GP ( who I suspect is also ND ), who was 100 % in my corner . When I tentatively approached her with the possibility , feeling like I was being some kind of show-off for pretending I was special because yay imposter syndrome , and she took me seriously , I wept . I wept for weeks actually , as I went through the process , and ultimately had a psychiatrist diagnose me and prescribe me medication . I finally had an answer for all the things I did that made me feel such a failure . And a way to fix it .
Every school report I ever had said the same thing – Samantha would do well if she could concentrate for any length of time . Samantha is disruptive , Samantha only has herself to blame for this poor report … well finally Samantha understands why , and Samantha is getting on with shit .
It ’ s hard not to feel cheated , like where would I be if I ’ d been diagnosed 25 years ago ? But I ’ m here , and it ’ s now , and my life is opening up before me . Let ’ s do this thing .
# LifeBeginsAt50Sam is founder and Editorin-Chief of Silver Magazine – for the mature maverick www . silvermagazine . co . uk
Picture : Erika Szostak