Living Well
Healing from Self-Hatred She believed lies about herself until she found healing in God ’ s Truth
L ord help me . I live with this deep-seated inner hate for myself that manifests every time I experience failure or rejection . Father , in the name of Jesus I look to You to help me ; I keep failing to measure up . I really do need You Lord and I need the power of Your Holy Spirit to enable me to cast out this demon of self-hate .
By Beverly Moore
I am learning to celebrate who I am in Christ and to love me in a healthy way .
This is a prayer I wrote after experiencing a setback . Many of us have been bamboozled , hoodwinked and duped into believing lies about ourselves from the enemy of our souls , the Devil , without even realizing it . I used to think that when I heard these negative words coming up from myself that it was me , but I have come to discover that they are suggestive thoughts from the enemy using my voice as a channel and once I open the door through acceptance these negative voices take residence .
For most of my life I have struggled with self-loathing or self-hatred . You may ask how can anyone hate themselves but it is a very real problem that stems from internal damage to the selfesteem and lack of self-worth . I know the damage took place at an early age and has shown itself into adulthood . I also know that at the root of self-loathing is rejection . As a child I was teased , for being overweight , couple that with family dynamics which included divorce ; both caused me to be deeply wounded with a sense of emotional abandonment . Sociology teaches us that a child ’ s identity starts at home with the family and as a child develops their peers , school , and community play a pivotal role in formation . As one of my professors Dr . Reginald Blount notes , “ These socializing forces are conversation partners in identity formation .” If a person in development experiences trauma along the way , without a proper response of positive faith-filled reinforcement , the damage germinates into a healthy dose of low self-esteem . I am not writing this to place blame on my family or community but I do hope we recognize the power of our voices in helping to shape a child ’ s identity , the power of our voices in helping them fulfill their God-given purpose . As a result my soul ( mind , will and emotions ) were murdered at a very young age with words ; words that my socializing forces at the time did not consider lethal , but because of it , I struggled to see myself differently . I can honestly say that this problem has impacted every area of my life and one of the physical manifestations of its roots was my weight .
People Pleaser
As child I had behavioral problems . Rather than receiving counseling to help me work through what I was experiencing they were swept under the rug . So in an effort to win love , acceptance and approval I became a people pleaser . When I couldn ’ t please those from whom I sought acceptance , I retreated into deep depression , self-hatred and blaming myself . This withdrawal was often misunderstood as me being moody or even difficult to get along with or with many friends I was just good “ Ole Bev ” because I hid it well .
As I continued into my young adult years I saw the impact in my career and bad choices in relationships . We are good at teaching people how to succeed but we do not teach people how to fail and get back up again . I experienced setbacks in my life that left me lost and I believed that my value was based on where I worked , who I knew , the title I carried , or having a man in my life
8 The Well Magazine / Spring 2013