Living Well
Healing from Self-Hatred She believed lies about herself until she found healing in God’ s Truth
L ord help me. I live with this deep-seated inner hate for myself that manifests every time I experience failure or rejection. Father, in the name of Jesus I look to You to help me; I keep failing to measure up. I really do need You Lord and I need the power of Your Holy Spirit to enable me to cast out this demon of self-hate.
By Beverly Moore
I am learning to celebrate who I am in Christ and to love me in a healthy way.
This is a prayer I wrote after experiencing a setback. Many of us have been bamboozled, hoodwinked and duped into believing lies about ourselves from the enemy of our souls, the Devil, without even realizing it. I used to think that when I heard these negative words coming up from myself that it was me, but I have come to discover that they are suggestive thoughts from the enemy using my voice as a channel and once I open the door through acceptance these negative voices take residence.
For most of my life I have struggled with self-loathing or self-hatred. You may ask how can anyone hate themselves but it is a very real problem that stems from internal damage to the selfesteem and lack of self-worth. I know the damage took place at an early age and has shown itself into adulthood. I also know that at the root of self-loathing is rejection. As a child I was teased, for being overweight, couple that with family dynamics which included divorce; both caused me to be deeply wounded with a sense of emotional abandonment. Sociology teaches us that a child’ s identity starts at home with the family and as a child develops their peers, school, and community play a pivotal role in formation. As one of my professors Dr. Reginald Blount notes,“ These socializing forces are conversation partners in identity formation.” If a person in development experiences trauma along the way, without a proper response of positive faith-filled reinforcement, the damage germinates into a healthy dose of low self-esteem. I am not writing this to place blame on my family or community but I do hope we recognize the power of our voices in helping to shape a child’ s identity, the power of our voices in helping them fulfill their God-given purpose. As a result my soul( mind, will and emotions) were murdered at a very young age with words; words that my socializing forces at the time did not consider lethal, but because of it, I struggled to see myself differently. I can honestly say that this problem has impacted every area of my life and one of the physical manifestations of its roots was my weight.
People Pleaser
As child I had behavioral problems. Rather than receiving counseling to help me work through what I was experiencing they were swept under the rug. So in an effort to win love, acceptance and approval I became a people pleaser. When I couldn’ t please those from whom I sought acceptance, I retreated into deep depression, self-hatred and blaming myself. This withdrawal was often misunderstood as me being moody or even difficult to get along with or with many friends I was just good“ Ole Bev” because I hid it well.
As I continued into my young adult years I saw the impact in my career and bad choices in relationships. We are good at teaching people how to succeed but we do not teach people how to fail and get back up again. I experienced setbacks in my life that left me lost and I believed that my value was based on where I worked, who I knew, the title I carried, or having a man in my life
8 The Well Magazine / Spring 2013