His Garment , Her Faith : One Woman ’ s Journey to Healing
By Connie Johnson
M y mother died of AIDS when I was 18 . There are no real words that can describe seeing the strongest person you know at their weakest point . It was absolutely devastating . My parents were divorced by the time I was five years old . I grew up in Orangeburg , South Carolina . My mother was a single mother . But she was an awesome mother . She worked hard to make sure that everything we needed was provided . After I finished my first semester of college , I came home and my mother was really sick . I almost didn ’ t recognize her . I dropped everything to take care of my mother . I washed her and fed her . I took care of the bills . I was the sole caregiver . She passed away January 26 , 1995 , just two days shy of her 45th birthday . No one knew my mother was sick . She asked me and my sister not to tell anyone . The only person who knew that she was sick was my father ’ s sister who took us in when my mother died . I went back to college . But school became an outlet to party , drink and smoke to dull the pain that I couldn ’ t deal with at the time . I studied electrical engineering and I went to three schools before I earned my bachelor ’ s degree . At the age of 25 , I moved to Columbia , S . C . By then I was in a space where the smoking , drinking and partying was getting old . Time was not stopping just because I wasn ’ t dealing with my pain . I decided to buck up and try to be the woman that my mother raised me to be . I enrolled as a sociology student at Allen University . I was doing great . I was on the dean ’ s list . I had a job that I loved and I volunteered at an after-school care program . In 2002 , on World AIDS day on campus they had a testing van . I walked over to the table and I saw socks that they were giving away and I wanted them . “ I don ’ t want to get tested ,” I told them . “ I ’ m sure I ’ m fine .” “ If you want them you have to get tested ,” they informed me . At this time there was a three-week waiting period to find out the results of an HIV test . “ If you don ’ t hear from us in three weeks , you ’ re fine ,” they said . Three weeks passed and I didn ’ t get a call . I thought everything was fine . But that following Monday , I got a call saying that I needed to come to the Department of Public Health immediately . I prepared myself for the worst and hoped for the best . I went to the health department and they sat me down in an office about the size of someone ’ s bathroom . A man came in and just started talking , saying , “ You ’ re going to be fine .” I didn ’ t know what he was talking about . “ Nobody told you ?” he asked . “ You have it .” Immediately I collapsed in his office , sobbing . I had not felt anything like that since I lost my mother . It was almost an out of body emotional experience . I was like this cannot be happening . All of a sudden a nurse showed up and says to me , “ Baby , if you do what these people tell you , you are going to be fine .” I tried to believe her . That was the day I found out I was HIV positive .
A New Creature
Once you find out you ’ re positive , the questioning begins immediately . You had to tell all your business — all of your sex history . As I collected myself to answer the barrage of personal questions , I asked the man if he knew how long I ' d been infected . He said about ten years . Although I couldn ' t be 100 percent sure , everything in me screamed that I had been infected by a 22-year-old man who raped me at a party when I was 15 years old . I felt like I had to tell somebody . I was not going to deal with it in shame like my mom did . I told my best friend . I called my aunt , dad and sister . I started saying it . The more I said it . The more I was able to deal with it . I was still addicted to alcohol and marijuana . So I drank and I smoked to help me deal with it . I went in for an interview for a volunteer position at an afterschool program . I sat down with a lady at the after-school program to see what they needed and she invited me to church .
I grew up in a Baptist church in South Carolina . Although I went to church , I didn ’ t know God . I had not been to church in probably seven years and I was really cynical . I was really sarcastic and told the woman , “ If I go , you ’ re going to have to come and get me .” She picked me up to go to church .
22 The Well Magazine / Spring 2013