Late in 2012 I reached the
lowest point I could ever imagine
possible in my life. I was tired of
people looking at me different and
not understanding I am still the
good person they all know and
love. I realized I could not live up
to the expectations my wife wanted
me to achieve. I began selfmedicating with alcohol and drugs
to try and numb the pain and heartache I was living with. Finally, I
figured since I could never be the
man my wife felt she needed, I
would drive her away the best way
I knew how. I cheated on her.
My wife is the strongest
woman I know and have ever met
for that matter, but I had always
known that would be a deal breaker. Upon doing so I also managed
to push away my so-called-bestfriend of over 20 years. Now, here I
am spiraling out of control thinking
this is at least going to be better for
everyone else. I am no longer going to be the burden in their lives.
Nobody is going to have to make
excuses or apologize for me anymore. I won’t be the one everyone
asks, “What’s wrong with him?”
No longer will I be the one telling
stories I find amusing to people
who haven’t been where I have or
seen what I have and think it’s disgusting and gives them nightmares,
all the while making the stigma surrounding me worse without having
a clue. Here I am thinking I am
around friends and family that love
me and respect me and my service.
Boy was I wrong. Friends started to
write me off and my wife started
using PTSD as a crutch to blame
my every action on. This whole
time I felt like screaming out, “I am
still the same fucking person, why
can’t you all see that?”
Lucky for me my wife is a
very stubborn angel and refused to
give up or leave without getting to
the bottom of this chaos. I call her
my angel and always have because
she has saved me from a lot over
the years, up to and including myself. We had many long
nights, talking, crying, and reconnecting like we never did since I
came home from Iraq. She has experienced many moments over the
last 6-8 months causing her to say,
“Wow, I get it now.” It took almost
losing everything to gain my life
back and save our marriage. Yes, I
lost some people along the way and
it is due to a lack of understanding
of PTSD and refusal to put in any
effort on their part. Casualties of
the new war me and my wife fight
every day.
People wonder why combat
vets seek out other combat vets to
become friends with. The answer is
simple. Understanding and true
brotherhood. I believe the only
way to begin healing and move forward, comes from honesty with
someone who truly loves you and is
willing to step into the darkness. A
great deal of healing can also come
from other veterans and their spouses because we are all living the
same life now. We were gods once
on the battle field but are now
looked at as freaks from the people
we were willing to give our lives to
The Warrior Heart November 2014 - 15
protect. Every time I walk
down the street or go out in public,
I feel like people are judging me for
the Marine I had to be on the battle
field. This is just a hint of my life
as well as most combat veterans.
Marines never stop being Marines.
We continue the honor of what we
were transformed into until our last
breath. Because of our honor and
commitment to the Corps, we never
die. Our fallen live within every
one of us and we continue to support our brothers’ families, dead or
alive, the brotherhood lives. Being
a Marine isn’t just serving your
country. It’s a life changing event
which shapes you and your actions
for the rest of your days. I know it
is the achievement in my life I am
most proud of for many reasons and
is the reason I honor it so much.
Semper Fi, ‘til I die. I’m sure there
is so much I missed but will try to
follow up as things come to light.—