father to the children I had as a result of my going in and out of prison. I carried on as if nothing bothered me. Smiling on the out side but hurting, so bad on the inside to proud to ask for help with my feelings cause men do cry about there problems Keeping this secret was not exciting for me at all.
There were other factors as well like visiting or spending time with friends who continue to use alcohol and drugs. For me it created a on going, nearly irresistible urge to use drugs. I begin to use other new drugs besides crack and weed ,but salt and meth was introduced to me and I stared using those as well. Not having the strength tosay no, I hated that part.
Not to mention unprotected sex outside my personal relationship with my significant other to say the least what a idiot I’d became that addictive thinking. Denial really is not just a river in Africa. Today and just for today I’m learning to cope with life changes without using drugs; and how to recognize moods, thoughts and situations that causes my drug cravings and abusive behaviors.
DOING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. And now I finally realize that there is only one way to address my individual needs that is to come to the belief that a HIGHER POWER of my understanding can restore me back to sanity. And this HIGHER POWER I believe is God and I make a conscious decision daily to turn my will and my life over to the care of God to help me rebuild my life in a positive and caring way.
I’m blessed to be able to make a fearless personal inventory of myself today and it’s only by the grace of GOD that I am able to do so, because HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS, and a WILLINGNESS, hasn’t always been my best quality in life. See I use to think, “Who’s to know”? “How can it hurt anyone”, “ I’ll just keep it to myself” or endless other excuses. Realizing how important these qualities are to my own recovery from the nightmare I HAVE BEEN LIVING as a result of my sexual abuse, and disease of addiction with emotional and psychiatric illness.