Being his primary care-giver took a huge toll on me physical and mentally. I had problems with God, in terms of my sexual abuse I often ask the question? How does this man be in your image God and do this to me. I often thought I was the blame for the abuse. I felt ashamed and guilty, dirty. I told my mother, but she didn’t believe me, not because she didn’t care or love me, it was because the family member always had a reason when I exposed him. “I was just teaching him the appropriate term name for this or that, he had a question concerning what happens when this occurs, justifying his sick behavior.
So as a result I developed serious trust and abandonment issues with relationships especially with God and woman, mostly painfulness of not being a father to the three children, I did have in my life. I just buried these emotions and feelings. I began old behaviors again using alcohol, at first just a few days a week, then it grow into a everyday event.
Now my addictive reasoning
kicked in, you holding down
a job, I’m in a loving relation-
ship and got a baby on the way.
I deserve to have a good time,
now I’ve added crack cocaine
to the good times. Here’s my INSANITY! I would do the same thing, same behavior day in day out and really believed that I could expect a different result each time I got high. LYING to myself saying “oh it will be different this time I got this under control”. The truth of the matter is I was on a one way road to destruction in a fast way. Zero to sixty seconds, bringing down anybody around me. Mind you I just got out of prison for making poor choices, here I am again repeating the same old behavior. My using became a everyday chore, and all my time was consumed with getting high, and I soon lost my jobs, and the positive persons in my life, my significant other and newborn son.