Problems Solved
15
Body Image
I’m a gregarious and effervescent young man just looking for a woman to share my existence with in this vast and lonely universe. I work in the SJIS Large Sjisium Collider in Essex as a quantum magneto-field alignment technician and enjoy arranging spring onions by length, diameter and colour (in that order of precedence), but have always struggled to attract women. I have pondered over this for a long time and the only conclusion I can reach is that nobody finds my body attractive. Please help me SJIS!
Keith.
Results
Upon leaving the universe the author’s hopelessly underdeveloped (i.e. mere human) senses were barraged with information unfathomable and infinite. Fortunately the Wanderer automatically shielded the windscreen after ten seconds and normality was restored to the interior. The ship’s sensors however received and processed a vast array of useful data. Note that analysis and a range of breakdowns of this data are available in the appendices.
When (as a time dependent word this really makes no sense in this context but it is used here for clarity and ease of reading) the ship arrived at an extraordinarily high peak of energy it entered an alternaverse. Instead of being composed of regular matter collapsed down from the low energy state, as in this universe, the high levels of energy burst into what has been termed “Warren alternate matter” or “Wartter” for short.
As the alternaverse is so high in energy, everywhere is lit up and oozing packets of energy from every crevice. Wartter absorbs some of this energy so when looking out at this alternaverse the background is lit up while dark patches are conglomerations of Wartter. Unfortunately, whilst communicating with a local, the exterior optical camera was damaged, however, the alternaverse investigated for this paper had its own Shutterstock service and so an image was acquired similar to the one observed outside the Wanderer (see figure 2).
Discussion
The implications of this expedition are extraordinary and far-reaching. However, the author cannot explain these or make any statements based upon just a few billion sjisibytes of preliminary data. Further research is of course required and so a range of funding applications will be submitted based on this expedition. If any potential PhD students would like to work on a small aspect of this then they are encouraged to contact the author to discuss projects.
As a side-effect of this journey the author was imbued with reality-spanning energy and the bizarre technology of the Wanderer. All knowledge was glimpsed and so it is now known that, despite the seemingly universal knowledge of the SJIS, science has only just begun to scratch the surface of reality. It is also only a matter of time before the author of this paper achieves post-physicality and ascends beyond the confines of the universe to a reality-encompassing being.
References
Warren, Z. 2012. A pocket guide to the multiverse. SJIS supplementary material.
Figure 1: Blueprint of the spacetime ship Wanderer used to escape the universe and travel throughout reality.
Figure 2: Stock image of the alternaverse.
Dear Keith,
You no longer have a need to fret as science has the answer! We can assure you that women (and indeed everyone) are attracted to your body with a force proportional to the product of your masses and inversely proportional to the distance between you. We trust this solves the issue.