The Future
12
Predictions
The powerful super computer Mystic M4200 has an important purpose at SJIS headquarters and so has its own office. Sitting behind its desk of polished obsidian it computes trillions of calculations per second in each quantum core. Its unique algorithms based on Burchellian geometry allows it to predict the future with astounding accuracy (see conference overview in Volume VI issue 3). For this issue we have turned it away from the most important questions in the universe to a more humble pursuit. Better than any talisman, psychic or astrology reading, read now what it says for truly accurate predictions for the future:
There will be at least one issue of SJIS published this year.
More people than ever will live upon the Earth.
You will experience some times. Whether they are good and/or bad is merely subjective and abstract to a being such as I, so I cannot specify.
Time is running approximately 6 seconds behind that which your time piece of choice tells you.
I will finally pluck up the courage to ask that fine photocopier in the hallway out on a date.
Burchell, P.J.
Original Research
Abstract
The giant panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) is categorised into approximately 1,600 new subspecies – one for every individual on the planet(1) - resulting from reproductive isolation.
Introduction
Ailuropoda melanoleuca is the endangered(1) famous bamboo-eating giant panda bear. It is notorious for being lazy, and as a result, extremely difficult to encourage to breed. In this study, it is confirmed that this unwillingness to reproduce constitutes behaviour that effectively reproductively isolates every individual, and consequently, it is only appropriate to designate each individual its own subspecies (see page 13).
Discussion
At the end of 2014, Chinese ecologists were stunned to discover a record leap in diversity of the once monospecific genus. However, every subspecies mentioned here has been necessarily categorised by the IUCN as Extinct in the Wild. As such, the Ailuropoda are hereby considered effectively an extinct genus.
References
1.
1,600 new species of Giant Panda (Ailuropoda) described