coprology feature
10
Reviews
The following review was begun by James Bell, but due to his untimely demise in the briny deep it was left unfinished on his desk of fine mahogany. Fortuitously he had begun to train Baby Bell in the ancient art of coprology who finished and compiled this paper for SJIS. It is presented here as it was sent to us.
A brief history of coprology
Ever since Ugvere Coprolite, the first human to discover faeces, wrote about his experiments there has been a niche community of scientists devoted to his cause (Bell, 2013). Interestingly, his report is also the earliest known epic poem and is simply entitled “Coprolite” (Curatington, 2010), hence why his name is the preferred term used by that noble group of scientists. Not only does it detail his experiments and subsequent findings about the coprolites of humans and a range of land animals, it’s last stanza also sets the poignant question to all those who follow his path: Is there a unified theory of coprology (Curatington, 2010)?
Since that pioneer of science there have been many more discoveries. Hafford (6238 BC) showed that animals of the air also produced faeces. The lab partners Noad and Jeffries (1887) were both working on the problem of whether non-animals produced waste, and after 38 years of hard work they made the discovery that both plants and fungi do indeed produce waste products. Six years later the entire field of coprology was turned upside down by the undreamt of discovery that even aquatic organisms produce waste (Yu, 1893).
Continuous minor discoveries and refinements to the framework occurred over the next hundred years until evidence was discovered by Yarlett (1993) that proved a lesser known theory that even microbiology produced waste. It was around this time that Hawking showed mathematically that black holes produce a waste product he termed Hawking Radiation (but those in the esteemed field of coprology term it black hole manure), also suggesting that the greatest achievement in science would be to create a theory of every coprolite (Bell, 2013). These events propelled this modest science into both the microscopic and into the vastness of space.
If black holes produce coprolites in the form of energy, then is not the whole universe a coprolite recycling centre? It is only now, since the ground work has been laid, that great minds can finally tackle Coprolite’s great question and produce a theory of every coprolite (also known as “everything” to the ignorant). Does the universe itself produce waste and if so will I be the one to solve this question and finally win the frankly bigoted Nobells Prize? Why did they pick on me not to win it? I wasn’t even born when it started. :(
In November 2014, no doubt under intense pressure from Dr James Bell and other passionate coprologists, the Uk's first 'poo bus' began service, fuelled entirely by human faeces and food waste. Shortly before his death, James commented that it was a shame the bus could not commit to just running on faeces.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-30115137
poo bus
Bell, J. and Bell, B.
A review of the current knowledge concerning coprology