I obediently followed but held little hope. That tractor beam was nothing but trouble. I’d tried to build a way to create better waffles on the sub-atomic scale but had failed miserably. All I’d managed was a ray that could hold or draw in matter. On a whim I’d built it into the Conscientia and now it finally seemed to have found some use.
On the bridge we looked out of the window as the tractor beam operator manoeuvred a few more chunks of rock onto the newly assembled spheroid. Everyone held their breath as the tractor beam was disengaged. The proto-planet held together for a few moments before all the chunks drifted apart once more. I was impressed with the tenacity of my crew as they attempted the operation three more times, each with the same results, before giving up.
I slouched in my captain’s chair as the depression hit me with greater vim. Henry worked on his computer, running some numerical models to see if he could restore the Earth. I don’t know how long we spent there, but Henry finally declared that he’d figured it all out.
“My simulations show that we can do this! We just need a suitably dense core.”
“Where are we going to get one of those?” I asked “I don’t suppose you have one lying around somewhere. Unless you mean Holly’s a suitable replacement?”
“No, that won’t be necessary. We can use the SJIS soda machine.”
I looked sceptical so he proceeded to draw out diagrams and equations on the white board until I begged him to stop. I swiped his marker pen and put it in my inventory so he couldn’t bore me anymore. He then went about ordering the crew to start searching for that cursed machine. They eventually found it in a highly elliptical orbit around the proto-planet that would soon become Venus.
“My only concern is that this will cause a slight paradox, but temporal mechanics is more your area of expertise. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” Henry confided in me.
I sighed in exasperation. “Nothing is ever easy, is it?”
I brooded over it while they dragged the SJIS soda machine into the correct position.
“I suppose I could coat it in some paradox powder I may have lying around somewhere.” I said.
Henry thought it was worth a try so I donned an Extra-Vehicular Activity suit and went outside. I carefully made my way to the nearby SJIS soda machine and retrieved the dustpan full of paradox powder from my inventory. I used the brush to spread some on the machine but it wouldn’t stay on the shiny metal surface. After punching the machine in fury a few times I calmed myself and thought on what to do.
First I prayed to the Sly Weasel, spirit animal of cunning, plans and luck. Next I took the coins out of my inventory and paid for a SJIS soda. With a satisfying clunk it landed in the receptacle; my furious punching had seemingly fixed the mechanism. I opened the can and emptied the liquid into the receptacle, mixing it with the rare, print edition, of the first ever SJIS that had been chewed by the temporally wayward pig. Then I added the paradox powder and used the dustpan to mix it into papier-mâché.
Using the brush I covered the machine in the paradox papier-mâché. Next I finished this little project by drawing a big smiley face on the front and scrawling the words “Zak was here” using Henry’s marker pen I’d conveniently stored in my inventory.
After returning to the ship and removing the EVA suit the crew began the task of once more rebuilding the Earth. Following Henry’s instructions they created a much larger sphere than it had been before the unfortunate accident. Due to the lack of nearby rock, the sphere had a honeycomb structure to enable a larger size. Henry assured me this would be filled in over time by the natural forces that occur in planet formation. When it was complete the operator disengaged the tractor beam and after a short wait the bridge was filled with an uproarious celebration as the proto-planet remained whole.