He went to brush the dust from the chair but as soon as his hand made contact he vanished in another flash of temporal light. My only concern now is that the supreme editor-in-chief realises that this series of events wasn’t my fault, but down to Mr Vanderbob’s amateur grasp of temporal mechanics and poor dental hygiene.
Part 2
It was several days after that fateful interview with the famed amateur time traveller Vince Vanderbob before I found myself once more aboard my beloved dirigible Conscientia. I had spent that time in innumerable meetings with the fearsome supreme editor-in-chief arguing over whether or not Mr Vanderbob’s unseemly disintegration was anybody’s fault. We eventually concluded that he brought it upon himself and SJIS would not be liable for any compensation. After that I was once more sent off to continue with my assignment for that most esteemed publication. My next task: to have a look at the samples of temporal-manipulation technology left by Mr Vanderbob and to have a go at time travel.
The examples of technology left inside Mr Vanderbob’s briefcase were extraordinarily simplistic, so much so that even a dog could make sense of it. Indeed, my dog Darwin was particularly eager to help me in the assembly of my own time machine. My insufferable secretary Holly was not impressed, however, and only wanted to travel back to a time when the SJIS soda machine was operational, as I had not yet managed to repair the blasted thing.
As I didn’t have the budget, or the inclination, to build a time machine from scratch I decided to rig the Conscientia with the necessary machinery, effectively making it a time ship. With Darwin aiding my efforts, I had the airship ready to begin trials within the week. I stood upon the bridge, next to the pilot Henry, to watch this pioneering journey. With great ceremony Henry began the time jump, whilst I sent a quick prayer to the Wandering Elephant, spirit animal of long journeys, strength and nasal manipulation.
First Henry piloted the airship away from the dirigible docking bay at SJIS headquarters (which was only maintained so as not to discriminate against my supposed eccentric habit of using such a vehicle), and then aimed it inland. He turned the fans up to full power and we sped onwards. Suddenly another airship moved into our flight path. Just before we collided reality shifted outside the windows. It stretched and swirled and shifted, until it completely fell away and we were travelling through the Time Tunnels of Zak Warren (Registered Trademark). Applause broke out on the bridge and we all celebrated this most marvellous achievement. Abruptly the airship lurched and alarms buzzed throughout the room.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“There appears to be a serious fire in the galley, sir.” Henry said, reading off a display screen.
I hoped that I had stretched to buy the more expensive helium instead of the cheaper, yet more flammable, hydrogen as filling for the envelope. Henry sent a young officer, wearing a smart red shirt, to investigate. A stronger shudder rocked the airship and everyone looked to Henry for an explanation.
“We’ve got a catastrophic hull breach in the galley,” he said, “I’ve sealed it off but…”
Before he could continue his intolerable sister Holly burst onto the bridge.
“I know one of you idiots is going to try to blame this on me but I can explain!” she yelled.
“What have you done now, you chaotic behemoth?” I sighed.
“I said I didn’t do anything! But I unplugged some flashing gizmo and your waffle iron set on fire.”
I sat down feeling quite faint. That waffle iron not only fed the entire crew’s breakfast requirements but was absolutely necessary for their morale.