Health & Safety
Warren, Z
Conference Overview
10
The International Symposium on International Science
The International Symposium on International Science, hosted by SJIS from the 11th to 13th May 2014, was a tremendous success. It was estimated that over forty million people filled the aptly named Infinitum Amphitheatre in the non-Euclidian zone of the International University of Essex. There were hundreds of exhibits displaying cutting-edge science and ground-breaking technology. Even a few pseudoscience stalls were allowed on the periphery to gawp at for entertainment. Here is a roundup of the most interesting and inspiring of the conference’s events and exhibits.
Upon entering the grand expanse of the Infinitum Amphitheatre I was greeted by the ever-jovial Dr Carmine Wainman, whose own stall was in prime position by one of the two thousand entrances. On his table were a selection of homemade chutneys for sale in a variety of flavours, from tarmac and cheese to marshmallow and chives. I declined one of these chutneys as I still had a jar of echidna and pomegranate left over from the SJIS Darwin Day hamper.
Surrounding the table were several boards advertising the good doctor’s new app. It was claimed to pair the user with a real extraterrestrial for the mutually beneficial exchange of knowledge and to promote human-extraterrestrial relations. When questioned, Dr Carmine admitted that was the verbose way of saying ‘pen pals’. Unfortunately I could not test the app for myself as my phone (a pair of yogurt pots connected with a piece of string) does not meet the required specifications to run such a program.
I am contractually obliged to say that by far the best lecture at the whole conference was by the SJIS’s very own Supreme-editor-in-chief Professor Phil Burchell. Being the host of the whole event he began by welcoming everyone to the symposium with his usual aplomb. He jumped straight into an explanation of his latest scientific discoveries, whilst simultaneously flashing up advertisements for the latest range of SJIS merchandise. The Supreme-editor-in-chief’s latest project has led him to produce the first ever accurate future of mankind. Not just a prediction or numerical model or oracle-style riddle, but the accurate future of mankind concisely written out. It was not even a general view of mankind as a unit, but included specifics about everyone. Professor Burchell proceeded to a slide in which everyone in his audience had their futures all carefully mapped out in a handy flowchart.
After everyone had finished staring at it in awe, and even a little fear, the Supreme-editor-in-chief began telling me off for falling asleep in a talk I would attend later in the day. During his tirade he kept checking his watch, which was very off-putting. Suddenly, pleased with the time, he stopped and lifted a can of the new SJIS self-heating soup (available in all good stores soon), which exploded, spraying soup on the front row. They began screaming as the soup went from room temperature to one hundred degrees Celsius in zero point six two seconds. Professor Burchell did not pause, but leapt onto the prototype SJIS crowd-surfboard and crowd surfed to the back of the audience and dashed behind the exhibits. I was thinking that I should get some of that SJIS self-heating soup as it certainly does the job, when an explosion rocked the amphitheatre.
The Supreme-editor-in-chief soon returned and eased the panic of the crowd. He explained that, just as he had calculated, an IJSS assassin had infiltrated the conference and tried to shoot him with an improvised weapon. Professor Burchell had used the soup to block the projectile allowing him to pursue the assailant. Unfortunately, the would-be killer had smuggled in an IJSS explosive device to put an end to the symposium, and all the science and technology it contains. However, the statistics used to design the device were flawed, so the blast funnelled itself upwards instead of outwards harming no one. In the resulting chaos the IJSS employee had escaped, but Professor Burchell was unperturbed as he had known what is to occur/occurred.
I visited many other exhibits, but one that particularly stood out from the rest was the trans-galactic travel stall. I was preferentially booked on one of the demonstrations (a handy perk as a SJIS employee), which I duly attended to avoid the Supreme -editor-in-chief’s wrath.
My group was ushered onto a kilometre long spacecraft and seated in a small passenger area. The spacecraft was the pinnacle of comfort with a cool atmosphere and incredibly soft yet supportive chairs. Indeed, it was much more comfortable than any of the other sixteen spacecraft I have been on. As the lead scientist, Professor Theresa Calzone, began to explain the fundamental principles of trans-galactic travel and how her ship functioned I drifted off to sleep.
Health & Safety Dog says:
Image courtesy of Photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
The views expressed by Health & Safety Dog are not necessarily those of SJIS.
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