Scientist in the Spotlight
This Issue's Scientist in the Spotlight is Dr Matthew Couldrey, an outspoken and proud marine biologist.
Couldrey, M*
Hello Dr Couldrey, thanks for your time. To start, what is your full title and what is your specialist field?
Hello Dr Burchell, thank you for inviting me to interview. I am currently a Post Graduate Researcher in Pretend Oceans investigating the earth-ocean climate system. Specifically, I'm making largely unfounded guesses at how the oceans take up CO2. The questions we seek to answer are keystone issues surrounding climate change, which will probably all blow over in a few years anyway, so it's high-impact stuff.
2 years ago, in SJIS II(1), you published a groundbreaking article that proved once and for all that the ocean is cold and a bit salty. Later, in III(1) you shocked the nation with the revelation that the ocean was ‘still sloshing’. Care to elaborate on why these articles were so important?
Yes, those two findings were indeed pivotal in our understanding of the physical nature of the ocean. The real value of this finding is if I decide some years down the line to repeat past surveys and find instead that the oceans are, let's say, quite nippy and salty, or tepid and peppery then we'll have a baseline to compare to. So that's really when the major work will kick off.
After that work, I explored large scale ocean kinetics and put to bed once and for all the age old question: Are the oceans still sloshing about? What we found was that the oceans are still sloshing about, and this is a good thing. If they weren't then it's possible that any number of things could be different from what they currently are. And some of those differences could be bad.
As an ex-oceanographer, you must be an expert on water parks. What’s your favourite and why?
Naturally. My favourite water park would have to be the big one at the edge of the land that is free of charge. Human urine concentrations tend to be a lot lower in this one than the ones you find inland.
You famously converted to marine biology last year. Why?
That was the result of a carefully calculated identity theft. No one in their right mind would switch from a sensible subject to Marine Biology. This self-evident truth was what lead courts to side with me and give my back my identity.
You were recently caught fraternising with the scum of the Earth, the International Journal of Scientific Studies. What do you have to say for yourself?
This question is best addressed in the context of my answer to the next question.