to be at their school events, but you don’ t have time to attend your spouse’ s work party, you’ re not doing your kids any favors. As a mom, I naturally ask“ What’ s good for the kids?” but perhaps I should reframe that question and ask“ What’ s good for the family?” or“ What’ s good for my marriage?”
Signing up for soccer, volleyball, and baseball may seem great for the kids, but let’ s say it runs mom ragged. What kind of difference would it make in the home if mom were less crazed and had more time to be emotionally present for her husband and kids? Imagine what would happen if you took a fraction of the energy poured into kids’ activities and poured it into strengthening your marriage through date nights, daily walks after dinner, counseling, or meeting for lunch? If you want to be a great parent, have a great marriage.
Arrows go to places that the archer cannot, and in a similar way, kids go out into the future to accomplish God’ s purposes beyond what the parent alone can do.
CHILDREN ARE A GIFT When a baby makes three, five, or ten— that’ s addition at its best. Psalm 127 tells us that children are a heritage and a gift from God. Unlike what current culture screams, children are not a pain; they are a pleasure. Not to say there aren’ t painful moments. I remember Noelle’ s first long flight to Hawaii when she was about two. She cried for 45 minutes straight, and I could not figure out a way to console her. We walked up and down the aisle. I jostled her on my lap, walked to the back of the plane, holding and rocking her. Nothing would make her stop. It was a nightmare. She still doesn’ t travel well, struggling with motion sickness, but she’ s never put up a fuss since.
Now I drop her off at the airport all by herself as she heads for college in another state. The first time I did it, my heart was filled with pride and satisfaction at the young woman she has become. It was also broken, already missing her like crazy. Psalm 127:4-5a( NLT) says,“ Children born to a young man are like arrows in a warrior’ s hands. How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!” Arrows go to places that the archer cannot, and in a similar way, kids go out into the future to accomplish God’ s purposes beyond what the parent alone can do. Our kids are not supposed to be the center of our family; we are supposed to launch them out of our families to be a blessing to the nations.
We’ ve shot two arrows out into the world so far. Ethan has graduated from college and is working at his first fulltime job, and Noelle is in college. Lucy is in high school. If you’ re in the thick of the child-raising years, please enjoy the carpool lane, endless food prep, loads of laundry, and play dates. I promise you will miss your kids when they are gone, but if you prioritize your marriage, you won’ t fall apart when they walk out the door.
Having kids is meant to add to your marriage, not subtract from it. Keep your math straight— your spouse is number one, and your children follow. If you harness the power of that equation, family life will be much easier and full of joy.
Arlene Pellicane is a speaker, host of the Happy Home podcast, and author of several books, including Parents Rising, Making Marriage Easier, and Screen Kids. Arlene has been featured on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, The Wall Street Journal, FamilyLife Today, and Focus on the Family, and is the spokesperson for National Marriage Week. Arlene and her husband James have three children and live in San Diego. To learn more, visit her website at ArlenePellicane. com.
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