When Baby Makes Three: KEEPING YOUR MARRIAGE A PRIORITY
BY ARLENE PELLICANE
I always thought it would be easy to have kids, but I was wrong. I don’ t mean raising kids; I mean having kids in the first place. We had tried for about two years, but alas, no positive pregnancy tests. After seemingly endless infertility seminars and doctor visits, we discovered I had a fibroid in my uterus standing in the way of our success. During this waiting period, I identified with Sarah in the Old Testament, trusting God for a baby. My fibroid was finally removed, and you can imagine my joy and relief when I got pregnant.
When that seven-pound little bundle of joy entered the world, James and I were smitten. On the day Ethan was born, I wrote him this letter:
“ When you were born, the doctor placed you on my chest. You looked around as if to say,‘ How did I get here?’ And then you cried, not an irritating cry, but a wonderful one.
Your dad and I have prayed to have you for a long time. We think you are God’ s miracle to us— that we have our own son.” I thought his crying was sublime! James looked out the hospital room window to the freeway and wanted to shout to the drivers below,“ How can you go about your daily routine? I have a son!!!”
The world had suddenly turned into a totally different land of burp cloths, diapers, baby bottles, wipes, baby blankets, onesies, Pooh Bear, and car seats. Our buying habits changed, our sleeping habits were annihilated, and the whole of our existence reflected one aim: keeping this little human alive.
It’ s natural for the new title of“ parent” to eclipse the longer-held titles of“ husband” and“ wife.” But that total eclipse needs to end as the baby gets older. The trouble is when a baby comes into the family, sometimes the marriage never snaps back into focus, remaining in the background while the kids loom large. No doubt about it— when a child comes on the scene, marriage is never the same. The question is, will the marriage be better or worse for it?
BABY, YOU’ RE NOT THE CENTER We were blessed to have a happy, strong, godly family as neighbors when we became parents. They warned us of the perils of a child-centered home where kids are smack dab in the center of the family universe. Having this information early in our parenting journey really helped us. We didn’ t want to become a child-centered home that made every decision based on what the child wanted. Baby Ethan was an enthusiastically welcomed member of the Pellicane family, but he was not the center of our world. We didn’ t orbit around Planet Ethan.
Now I’ ll be the first to admit, there can be a fine line between supporting and orbiting. Here’ s a little test: do you have trouble leaving your kids with a trusted babysitter to go on date night? If you’ re thinking,“ Our two-year-old would really hate it if I left,” and that makes you stay home, that’ s orbiting. Your child has you wrapped around his chubby finger. If your child grows up thinking he is the center of the universe, that belief will carry over into every relationship in every environment— and that is not going to end well.
Your kids should be important, just not all important. When given a choice between pleasing your kids or pleasing your spouse, you want to pick your spouse. I feel a tender rebuke as I write this because there are many times I have chosen my kids( they’ re so cute and needy!). But at the end of the child-raising season, it’ s James who will be there, not my kids.
A strong Christ-centered marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. Kids pick up cues from their environment and intuitively know that if there is trouble between mom and dad, their world will collapse. If there’ s tension between mom and dad, this is likely to produce anxiety in the child. But it’ s not just an absence of arguing or tension that kids need. It’ s the daily proof that mom and dad love each other that anchors kids emotionally and allows them to venture out into the world with confidence.
Keeping your marriage a priority is an integral part of good parenting. If your children see you’ ll move heaven and earth
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