NEWS FROM LINGOR, BY OUR ROVING REPORTER:
Paul Skinbach
THE DAWN HORN
It’s early morning and after a sleepless
night in the lines, I started my first ‘live’
combat patrol in Lingor with 1st Platoon
1st section under the watchful eye of a
Corporal Murray with some sense of
trepidation. In preparation f or an action
packed day and based on recent
experience in Chechnya I had
remembered to pack sandwiches and
two spare pairs of brown underpants.
All started well in a lovely luminously
painted truck, rather than the nasty
piece of mobile scaffolding that travelled
in front of us and known as a ‘Jackal’.
Somewhat of an oxymoron as rather
than a feral hunting animal it was a cold,
windy piece of shit, made from tube that
more than resembled a ‘friend’ made by
a spastic in metalwork class.
This generation of soldiers probably
does not know of the legend of ‘Joey
Deacon’ but the feeling I got on seeing
our convoy was reminiscent of the first
sickening time I saw Peter Groom comb
Joey’s hair. I was glad to be out of the
wind in the truck, until a Pte. ‘Windy’
Miller let off a few ill-timed bottomcoughs for our warmth and amusement.
‘Corp-Smiff’ re-assured us all by telling
us the army survival manual states these
odours carry useful vitamins. Eventually
he also gave us a six figure map ref for
some kind of crank survival course run
by Swedish Airways. I didn’t have the
heart to tell him I had witnessed firsthand the tragedy of Bhopal in 1984.
THE BLOODY A13
Morning drive into Corazon interrupted
by some two complete arseholes. The
first who decided to put a mine on the
road in, and the second the driver who
didn’t follow SOP and drove over it.
Much claret was spilt, until our super
medic got on the case and littered the
highway with used sanitary towels. The
delay cost us dearly and one lingering
question stayed with me. Would these
Muppets be able to be get me to a
Starbucks before 10:00am? I knew I was
right to stay in the truck with the canvas
being more armour than the Jackal had.
DODGY BARRELS
The Paras (especially on leave) are well
known for going up and down in
alleyways. Some grizzled old warrior
spotted a suspicious barrel in one of
them. After the officer types had all
gathered around it and also declared it
suspicious, had a cigarette break, sat on
it and kicked it a bit, they finally marked
it on the map we moved one. These
barrels are blue and white with red
labels and are EXTREMELY DANGEROUS
to the well-being of other ranks, having
failed to explode at the humorous
moment.
4