The OJCL Torch Fall 2020 | Page 6

with modern names

1st VP Abby McKee

Ranking the

Greek Gods


12. Zeus (modern equivalent: Chad) - you know, Zeus has a lot of… but I had to include him on this lovely list because he’s king of the gods.

11. Hera (modern equivalent: Paisley) - vague mean girl energy, probably would make you cry in the bathroom between classes but would also offer you the yogurt from her lunch box because you forgot yours.

10. Hermes (modern equivalent: Joshua) - he’s a sneaky little guy, always joking around, probably that kid in the back of your AP IV class who thinks that Zeus is the best god and wants to be him when he moves into his frat house.

9. Ares (modern equivalent: Michael) - nice guy, big temper, not really trying his best.

8. Apollo (modern equivalent: Elliot) - big ego, kind of earned, but also… he should just… stop asking if there is an option between sparkling and flat water at McDonalds.

7. Dionysus (modern equivalent: Matthew) - the drunk uncle, trying his best but not really. Knows all the family drama. Will eat the entire bowl of mashed potatoes as an appetizer.

6. Artemis (modern equivalent: Charlotte)- lovely girl, kind of sassy. probably has russet hair. Great fashion. Kind of iconic.

5. Demeter (modern equivalent: Cordelia) - wants to be a librarian when she grows up. Went through a twilight phase. Favourite shape is a dodecagon.

4. Poseidon (modern equivalent: Archibald) - doing his best. Probably thinks that his highschool football career is the most important thing that will ever happen to or for him. Loves his pet sea monkeys. Has had them for ten years, doesn’t know his mom the sea monkey’s when they die.

3. Hephaestus (modern equivalent: Nigel) - he gets brownie points because Zeus basically just decided he was ugly and threw him off.

2. Hades (modern equivalent: Dylan) - the chill dad. Doesn’t show emotion, loves suits. Will cry if his kids dress as him on superhero day. Loves halloween.

1. Athena (modern equivalent: Genevieve) - absolute legend. Wears frog frog earrings. Swears by cottagcore. Favourite drink is mint chamomile tea. Will help you with your math homework at two in the morning.