The Mistery of Belicena Villca This was a totally different feeling . Lacerating and painfully sharp , could be translated into one word : abandonment .
I felt lonely and cosmically abandoned , but in that sensation of abandonment , blended , there was a second sensation , more subtle but less painful : it was like a silent reproach that vibrated in the depths of my soul , but at unimaginable depth . It was the reproach of a God that was transmitted through a dimensionless space and that seemed to cry for a loss ; a metaphysical amputation of His Substance that was suffered as only He is capable of suffering . And that loss that God reproached , was Myself ... I who betrayed him , who committed a condemned and abominable heresy . I felt lonely and cosmically abandoned , I repeat , but to such an intense degree that for an instant I thought I was dying .
It must be understood that all of this happened very quickly , perhaps in a few minutes or seconds . And most likely is I had really died – this I understood long after-- having totally let myself be won over by that strange mood .
If this did not happen , it was because remotely , on the borders of the conscience that was leaving me quickly , I had an accurate intuition : that emotion that was killing me was external to my own being !
It was not Me who wailed and moaned emotively with such force that filled everything ; that traversed my multiple spheres of perception and diffused through the surrounding reality ; that dissolved my conscience when losing the differentiation between subject and object .
The curious thing was that by making this intuition conscious , everything was cut off at once , in a silent and brilliant burst in which I thought I could fleetingly distinguish a white circle surrounding me .
That is , not everything was cut , because now the feeling had moved completely out of me , to the concrete World .
I suddenly felt lucid and alert , while around me , the furniture , the floor , the walls of the flat , everything seemed to radiate a gruesome and threatening malice . It was something tenebrous that was induced epidermically , that was perceived with the whole body , with each organ , with each atom . The same previous state , but inverted and exacerbated : the deep cosmic solitude was now , pure Presence ; the abandonment : a mute call , but one of irresistible violence ; the reproach of the God , who seemed so Divine when sprouting from the depths of the Soul , had become a bestial roar , obscene and aggravating .
It is not possible to put into words what I experienced then ; I can only give a pale idea if I say that that Primordial Force was vaguely similar to the breath of a huge and malign beast .
A fetid and offensive breath that gushed out from all things , which were at the same time the viscera , the organs , of that bristling and dangerous Dragon . A breath that imposed its Presence full of Life ; but this Life was to the Spirit , what noise is to music : vile imitation and miserable copy . A voluptuous breath that hauled and exhaled in a rude and animal cadence .
In the silence and calm of the night , this Presence was magnified by vitiating the air of threat ; as if , invisible and powerful , a mortal Enemy will lurk ready to throw itself at me ; to take my life and more than my life ...
I had the impression of having fallen off a misty cliff from which I was rescued before reaching the bottom . I was now standing on the edge of the Abyss , miraculously safe , but a victim of that apprehension that only experiences that who survives the disaster . That is why I remained immobile and did not flee from that environment charged with indescribable evil , which seemed to be aggressively heading towards me .
And that immobility , serene and reflective , seemed to excite more the dramatic tension , elevating it to unbearable levels .
I understood at that moment that " what Matter radiated " --whatever this is called--was losing its ability to act on me , because , in the midst of the unbearable tension , it was guessed an impotence to consummate the aggression . At this point , it seemed like everything was going to explode , to fly in pieces through the air ... And it exploded .
Chapter VI I would be lying if I said that I was not expecting something paranormal . My eyes were fixed on the objects in the room , waiting to see them jump at any moment on me . I expected it and I really expected anything abnormal to happen , except for what really happened : everything began to move and change position ; to fall and jump on the floor .
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