Horoscope
Capricorn (Jan. 20-Feb. 16.): To survive this month intact, you must stop crying into your pillow and get on the phone for some juicy gossip. Go out with the girls for once and have a few bottles of wine, you might enjoy yourself.
Aquarius (Feb. 16-March 11.): If you're going to keep the few friends you do have, it might be time to stop sleeping with their husbands. Or, at least, stop bragging about it and trying to convince the rest of us that your pasty husband has hispanic heritage. Even your hispanic neighbour (and his wife) knows it's his baby.
Pisces (March 11-April 18.):The stars are aligned for you this month in the areas of finance. This probably means your husband has forgotten the makeup debacle, and is ready to give you a bigger allowance. If you know a Capricorn military wife, take her for a girls' night out.
Aries (April 18-May 13.): Though you've deluded yourself into believing it, nobody wants to listen to what you have to say. Just put on a big, fake smile, sip your bottle of wine and look cute, like all the other military wives.
Taurus (May 13-June 21.): It be easier touching your toes if you keep them close to your chest. Doing yoga will help accomplish this, classes are available through your local Military Family Resource Centre. If you can't be bothered with yoga, there are plenty of medical procedures available to get rid of that excess "fluff".
Gemini (June 21-July 20.): Even though someone else has you convinced that it's not your fault, the people around you know what you've been up to, and aren't buying into it anymore. It might be about time to find someone new to tell you what to think, feel and say.
Cancer (July 20-Aug. 10.): That secret you shared will come to light this month
in one way or another. Best to get it out in the open, or find a way to shut the bitch up before she blades you. Maybe convince your Leo military wife acquaintance into doing cocaine with her, so you can get incriminating photos to post on Facebook.
Leo (Aug. 10-Sept. 16.): You appreciate courtesy, as you are so often politely asked to leave. This could easily be avoided if you would stop trying to convince the other wives to do cocaine with you at parties. Cocaine is SO late 90's, it's all about MDMA now. Get with the program, and you might get some friends.
Virgo (Sept. 16-Oct. 30.): You cannot hear it but the Universe is singing a song for Virgo military wives. Full of mystic, aura shaking importance to the ultimate advancement of the Virgo individual's successful traverse. (only $9.99 + pst/gst, additional charges for shipping and handling).
Libra (Oct. 30-Nov. 23.): Romance is in the air! That encounter you've been trying to talk your husband into, might be more likely with your husband's co-worker (AKA,your lover). Ask and you shall receive!
Scorpio (Nov. 23-Nov. 29.): Scorpio, your moon is aligned with Uranus this month, so take it easy on your gut and eat less chocolate or things might get messy.
Ophiuchus (Nov. 29-Dec. 17) You've had a tough time of it, first you get this new zodiac sign that nobody can pronounce and recently, with people causing more stress. Best to just get on Skype with someone you don't hate and wait for the stars to align in your favour.
Sagittarius (Dec. 17-Jan. 20.): This is the month to try new things, and step out of your comfort zone. Maybe athletic pants instead of pajama pants to go grocery shopping, frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, your boyfriend AND his wife?