Sex. The Glue To
Relationships?
by Owen Redahdan
The usual scenario for guys connecting up is eye
contact across a crowded room, or in a sauna or a street
and so on. A quick glance up and down and phoarr I
want more of that (sometimes the eyes don’t get past a
certain bulge!).
What we see is usually the first thing that attracts us to
a potential mate. Granted there are occasions when
there is no immediate physical attraction and the
embryo relationship starts with the enjoyment of the
person’s company and conversation. But these are few
and far between so will not be considered for this
article.
You move to pounce. The old chat-up lines seem to
work and you get on great. In the end, whether it takes
that night (or in a sauna those 5 minutes) or a week,
you end up in bed. Sometimes the sex is fine
sometimes it’s great. But what has really happened is
your cauldron of hormones has started bubbling and
you begin to be drawn in to forming a relationship with
this ‘god’. Hopefully he feels the same too.
SEX TALK
THEGAYUK APRIL/MAY ISSUE 3
2014
SEX
If by relationship you mean an
exciting six months of sex fueled
coupling then yes. But the effects
don’t last and to have a successful,
long term relationship you need to
move into the attachment stage.
However, because of the
availability of fresh partners and
the stimulating stage of first
meets, a lot of relationship, gay
and straight, don’t last long.
The first stage - the ‘I’ve got to have him’ stage is driven
mainly by testosterone. As the attraction develops and
we become attracted to each other, the second stage,
testosterone continues to drive things along but the
hormones dopamine, serotonin and adrenaline become
important. This is the period when we feel we’re ‘in
love’. It’s the romantic period when the other person is
in our minds most of the time. We just know they are
the one.
The third stage, attachment, sees another two
hormones surface - oxytocin and vasopressin. This
stage is vital if the relationship is to survive. But
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Oxytocin is called the cuddling
hormone. As humans we tend to
seek out touch from others. When
we cuddle or just even touch the
brain releases oxytocin which
makes us feel calmer and helps us
bond with that person. Have you
ever had a bad day and found that
cuddling your lover makes you
forget everything? That’s oxytocin
at work.
So is sex the glue to a successful
relationship? The answer is yes
and no.
Gay relationships are really not much different from
straight ones. Physical attraction brings two people
together. Perhaps the bedding stage may be slower
with heterosexuals. Women tend to want to get to know
the guy but the end result is the same. Some
relationship scientists believe there are three stages in
relationship development - lust, attraction and
attachment. All stages involve hormones.
Dopamine focuses on the neurotransmitters and is not
very different to some addictive drugs such as heroin
because of the feel-good high it gives, the extra energy
and a reduced need for sleep. Adrenaline increases
heart beat which is why we feel more excited when we
see or think of our loved one. And the increase in
serotonin makes us feel a bit mad and contributes to
our feelings of well-being and happiness.
because of the addictive nature of
the second stage, especially the
production of dopamine, a lot of
relationships don’t get this far.
There is more contentment but
less excitement. There is more
intimacy but less explosions.
So is sex the
glue to a
successful
relationship?
The answer is
yes and no.
It takes work to move to the next
stage and both partners need to
want the slightly less exciting, but
usually more fulfilling, longer
term relationship. After the first
six months or so, despite what is
generally believed, the amount of
sex declines. But something else
grows and it is shared interests,
mutual respect and trust, the quiet
physical intimacy and emotional
support that makes this next stage
of a relationship so satisfying.
This is the glue to long-term
relationships. ∎